At the start of 2021, the year was feeling a bit like 2020 Continued. Covid continued to rule our lives in some way that we all hoped would end with the rollout of the vaccine. Now that we are approaching 2022, it seems that… it still is. Even though we now have vaccines.

One thing that the year brought to us? The full return of movie theaters. Some people rolled the dice last year to see what I’m sure became an all-time favorite, The War With Grandpa. Most audiences, however, decided to wait for the new year and mass produced protection in the form of two shots in the arm. While many remain uncomfortable by the idea of returning to the theater, those who ventured out were met with some wonderfully unique experiences. While last year had a great number of films that we loved (The 12 Best Films of 2020), this year brought us even more. Whether you watch these movies at home or take the trip to your local theater, we feel confident that you will be able to find something to love in our list. 

2021 Runners-up (featured in the image above): The Worst Person in the World, Bad Luck Banging or Loony Porn, Red Rocket, Licorice Pizza, Spencer, Shiva Baby, Nine Days, The Harder They Fall, and Flee.

Now without further ado, we present our Top 15 Films of 2021…

15. Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar

After a year stuck inside with nothing to do but wait for our bleak future to come, Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar became the perfect get-away upon its early February release. While the film’s cinematic qualities do not warrant its spot as one of the best films of the year, we wanted to honor Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar for being the stand-out comedy of 2021. In a year with little to laugh about, Barb and Star provides a memorable escape, beaming with camp and a colorful cast of characters that inhabit the middle age midwestern utopia that is Vista Del Mar. Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo star as the title characters and while their whimsical performances bring laugh after laugh to the film, their charmingly absurd screenplay is the star of the show. 

Barb and Star takes place after two lifelong friends leave their Midwestern town for the first time to travel to the magical fictional Florida coastal city of Vista Del Mar. Paradise is quickly lost as the two compete over the same man and are forced to save the town from its imminent doom. The film rains unexpected jokes, with a resilient commitment to absurdity. Barb and Star never takes itself too seriously but brings an uproar in humor by allowing the serious moments to be seen as absurd. At a time where the comedy genre reigns supreme on television and is all but dead in feature-length films, the originality of Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar brings hope that the cookie-cutter comedies of the 2000s have seen their day and humor based on creativity will pave the way to a funnier tomorrow. -Jonah Desneux

14. A Cop Movie

Perhaps the most fascinating film of the year was the quasi-documentary, A Cop Movie. To describe it in an accurate way, I would risk spoiling the audacious filmmaking decisions that make the film what it is. To avoid this, I will instead urge you to give this a watch on Netflix. 

Director Alonso Ruizpalacios documents two police officers living and working in Mexico City. We ride along as they respond to calls from citizens desperate for help in an area where those in power must first ask, “what’s in it for me?” It is a heart-pounding film that depicts moments of heroism without leaning into Copaganda. Ultimately, the police force in Mexico City, like so many in our own nation, is full of corruption. From the top to the bottom, people are looking out for themselves. Despite what may be good intentions when joining the force, officers must adapt to the broken system or risk the consequences that may cost them their lives. -Logan Van Winkle

13. Annette

Musicals reign supreme in 2021(four make this very list) but none come close in originality to The Sparks Brother’s Annette. The eccentric Leos Carax takes the wheel directing the ambitiously absurd rock opera and brings to life this year’s most beloved character, Baby Annette. Annette is part passion, part parody, and an abundance of enthralling nonsense. The film is full of unorthodox choices, making it a musical experience unlike any other, playfully mocking the seriousness of song and dance amid one of cinema’s most musical years.

Annette’s farcical tour begins with Carax speaking to the audience like a director before the start of a stage show. Then, after a barrage of convoluted editing and sounds, the cast and crew assimilate and make their way to the theater, asking for permission to begin, with the song “So May We Start.” The song plays no significance to the plot but introduces us to our leading men and women, whose natural voices clearly heard, juxtaposed to the grand chorus found in rock operas, with a splash of a children’s choir on the side. The prolific stand-up comedian Henry McHenry (Adam Driver) and his famous opera-singer wife Ann (Marion Cotillard) are at the helm of the dramatics. We instantly know that they love each other so much, as they repeatedly sing those very words to each other in their out-of-key ballad “We Love Each Other So Much.” Carax is unflinching in portraying the absurd through a serious lens and takes risks that bind Annette to the top of some worst movies of the year lists. However, when demolishing your guard and embracing the humor of the work, Annette takes the road least traveled owning the purposefully bad, as Carax, Driver, Cotillard, and puppet baby rewrite what makes a musical magical. Annette is one of cinema’s greatest parodies and does to the musical what Jean-Luc Godard did to the romance drama with Contempt. -Jonah Desneux

12. Malignant

I cannot overstate how unprepared for Malignant I was. On the way to the theater, my girlfriend said, “I don’t really know what this is about.” To which I said, “Neither do I. All I know is that it’s from the director of Saw, Insidious, and The Conjuring and that it’s a scary movie.” I can’t imagine a better way to watch this movie. Because of this, I will say absolutely nothing about the plot. 

About five minutes into Malignant, I had a troubling thought. The kind you never want to have so early into an almost two hour long movie… “This is really bad.” I meant it too. But then a funny thing happened. As the movie continued, slowly but surely, I changed my mind. I began riding its wavelength and everything made sense. It began as “this isn’t so bad.” But by the end, it turned into a full on “I loved that movie!” I cannot think of a single movie in my life where I have had such a strong turnaround in the opening moments to the end credits. Malignant is so charmingly campy and over the top, it is impossible not to be won over. The choices in the beginning of the movie that had me scratching my head were perfectly in line with the film I came to appreciate by the end. Everything was intentional. As soon as I could step back and see the full picture, the genius of James Wan became crystal clear. This is easily the most fun I had in a theater all year and if you are a fan of horror, I cannot recommend Malignant enough. -Logan Van Winkle

11. Zola

Those who relegate Zola to simply being a movie about a tweet are the same people who say that The Social Network is about Facebook. The subject may stem from social media, but these films are much more than capitalizing on a trend. They are statements of the current changing times and cultural commentary over the obsession with online image and influence. While The Social Network takes us into the highbrow world of Harvard, Zola transports viewers into a world of strippers, pimps, and Florida.

The events of Zola are inspired by the real life misadventures of A’Ziah “Zola” King (Taylour Paige), whose tumultuous trip with fellow stripper Stefani (Riley Keough) became one of the internet’s greatest stories of shock and awe following King’s infamous twitter thread. Janicza Bravo directs the A24 drama, keeping King involved with the film and her story as an executive producer. The two successfully capture the madness in Zola, with the money making trip to Florida and the Brutus sized betrayal. Paige excels in exemplifying Zola’s wit and daring demeanor, while Keough carefully weaves the extreme charisma and selfishness of Stefani, giving one of the most memorable performances of the year. As the two actresses keep the audience entertained, Bravo’s creates a smutty color pop infused world, perfect for a modern day cautionary tale. Zola is full of grit, humor, and cleverness from the characters and the direction. Bravo does not shy away from the folly that resides in the underbelly of society, while never straining empathy from sex workers. Stereotypes do not drive the characters’ actions. Instead, we see the characters as individuals who, like all of us, have flaws hidden in the initial image they present. -Jonah Desneux

10. Last Night in Soho

2021 saw the release of what is likely Edgar Wright’s most divisive film yet. Despite many of our colleagues not enjoying his latest film, Jonah and I did the impossible and found common ground on Last Night in Soho. Set partly in present day London and partly in 1960s London, the film tells the story of a young fashion student who begins seeing visions of the past. They begin innocently fantasy-like – at first, but quickly turn much more sinister. More than any of his previous films, Last Night in Soho is a true technical marvel. 

Wright’s style is often highlighted with quick cuts and frenetic editing. Last Night in Soho, on the other hand, finds its own voice in its design. Recreating 1960s London – the glitz, the glamor, and even the danger lurking beneath the surface in a truly stunning manner, the production design is top-notch and some of the best of the year. The two leads, Thomasin McKenzie and Anya Taylor-Joy, keep this ghost story from feeling familiar and help to make it one of the most watchable movies of the year. A peculiar choice made near the end of the film was a bit baffling, considering the rest of the film. But everything preceding it is filmmaking at its finest and made for one of the most memorable theater experiences that I had this year. -Logan Van Winkle

9. Titane

In the age of nonstop reboots, franchises, and now metaverses, there is an intense longing for flashy films with originality. As IP Surprises run supreme on the big screen, the stories you’ve never seen slumber in the soft-spoken art-house drama. We love them, they’re the best, but there is still a deep hunger for a theatrical spectacle that doesn’t rely on an established hero. Lucky for us, French Auteur Julia Ducournau prepared us an unforgettably thrilling meal with Titane. Ducournau’s level of controlled chaos is remarkable for her second feature film. Winning this year’s Palme d’Or, Titane continues the current wave of French ultra-violence and body horror, underlined as a family drama composed of themes of gender fluidity, technical evolution, body dysmorphia, and unconventional empowerment.

Titane is a lot, visually and narratively, but Ducournau seamlessly holds her unpredictable story together through her great trust in Agathe Rousselle, playing Alexia, who currently holds the crown of this year’s greatest anti-hero. From the start Ducournau challenges her audiences with scenes of violent horrors that are so visually pleasing, morals become numb, succumbing to the corrupt entertainment. Alexia, with a titanium plate in her head following a near-fatal car crash, is a catalyst for the ever-evolving nature of identity, as their story is an odyssey from night clubs to a community of first responders. The characters harbor dark secrets, but Ducournau leaves them open and vulnerable, in human nature’s most notable quest of wanting to love and be loved. Titane is a psychological thriller mixed with surreal imagery and metaphors. Its very existence may be too much for some, but its exuberant presence sopping with originality satisfies a much-needed craving in the cinema’s current state. If you can get past the graphic car sex, which is insane but more importantly necessary, then I employ you to let Titane and all of its surreal glory get stuck in your head like a large metal plate. -Jonah Desneux

8. Belfast

I am a sucker for movies about children. After years of working with them, I think they are the most fascinating creatures on the planet. Belfast already had this in its favor going in. What really tipped it over the edge was the pint-sized ball of charisma that is Jude Hill. Hill plays Buddy, the young boy whose eyes we see the world through. 

Despite being surrounded by unrelenting fear spurred on by war, financial instability, and unclear futures, Buddy maintains a positive outlook that brings out the best in those he encounters. The love that he shares with his family, especially his Granny (Judi Dench) and his Pop (Ciarán Hinds), feels so personal to writer-director Kenneth Branagh and yet infinitely relatable. If you’re not sold on the movie just yet, please note that there is a scene that revolves around Caitriona dancing as Jamie Dornan sings “Everlasting Love”. That scene, like the movie itself, is an absolute joy to watch. -Logan Van Winkle

7. C’mon C’mon

Ah Mike Mills, you everyday drama King. C’mon C’mon is Mill’s follow-up to his 2016 release 20th Century Women, furthering his style of capturing and examining the simplicities and absurdities of modern life. Mills goes all in with his style in C’mon C’mon, examining the wonder and the ordinary of the world through explaining it to a child. Joaquin Phoenix plays Johnny, a radio journalist responsible for looking out for his joyfully strange nephew Jesse (Woody Norman) while his mother, Gaby Hoffmann, who delivers an immensely underrated performance, leaves LA to care for Jesse’s father (Scoot McNairy) mid manic episode. The film centers around Johnny and Jesse’s relationship and while Phoenix gives one of his best performances, Jesse’s curious mind is the film’s driving force. Norman captures Jesse’s eccentricity with the youthful spark needed to both love and frustrate as if he were your own. 

C’mon C’mon is a delicate lesson on life, but captivates not from the beauty of our puzzling world, but from the magic of its discovery. Mills presents the film in black and white, replicating his philosophy on accepting the complex. The film is scientifically spiritual, leading to a serene meditation, not on the unknown, but for a comforting appreciation for what we do. In framing the film in fragments of memories and childhood lessons, the inherent complexities melt away to rebellious scenes of gratitude, not subjected to social and cinematic norms. Johnny and Jesse guide the audience through a journey of acceptance, notably that of our emotions. Though we wear our identities like masks, and at a young age feel like the mask of masculinity is the most important, Mills strips the need for emotional strength, to instead embrace the acceptance of feeling the way you feel. We see this in the film’s cathartic “climax” as Johnny and Jesse scream their emotions in the park, and though the message is not subtle, Mills basks in not needing subtlety when creating comfort towards our greatest uncertainties. -Jonah Desneux

6. Tick, tick…BOOM!

No other movie in 2021 brought me the amount of joy that tick, tick… BOOM! did. As you can tell from this list, we are no strangers to the movie musical. This year had an abnormal amount – some more successful than others. None are as committed to a lead performance this year as  Andrew Garfield is portraying Jonathan Larson. Magnetic, exhausting, and surprisingly physical, Garfield is 100% on from beginning to the end. 

Larson is so deeply consumed in his art and his own measurement of success that he is constantly letting his relationships fall by the wayside. Despite the character making selfish and, at times, frustrating decisions, Garfield brings a sense of humanity to him that makes him impossible not to root for. His manic energy lends itself perfectly to the upbeat musical numbers, while his naturally empathetic qualities lend themselves to the slower, quieter moments. It’s a testament to his performance and the film itself that it is easily the 2021 movie that I have watched the most. It has quickly become a comfort film and will be for years to come. -Logan Van Winkle

5. The Green Knight 

Marvel movies might be back, but The Green Knight is this year’s greatest hero film. Not only is The Green Knight the best of the over-the-top bunch, but it is also what the inevitable “Every Action Character Ever Made Cinematic Universe” should aspire to be when telling a hero’s journey. In a fantasy retelling of the medieval story of the Green Knight, Dev Patel plays Sir Gawain, the ambitious yet unproven nephew of King Arthur. To begin his procrastinated legacy, Gawain accepts the Christmas Day challenge of the mysteriously imentidating Green Knight and cuts off his head in front of the knights of the round table. Gawain’s honor comes at the price that a year later he must travel to the Green Knight who will return the blow to the nape of the neck. Gawain’s act is the compelling combination of bravery, lunacy, and the determination to be known. The film follows Gawain’s journey to fate, painting the portrait of a character with mortality and damning ignorance, that warrants empathy through his relatability, despite the fantastical story and setting. Unlike the other heroes whose shoe-horned drama is never earned and always comes second to their God-like image. Director David Lowery gives The Green Knight authentic stakes for audiences to follow. At the end of the film, it will be life or death for Gawain, with no one to swoop in to save the day before consequences are dealt, negating the drama built before it, much like our own existence and the mortal march to death we face every day.

Lowery dresses his film as a fantasy spectacle, filled with mesmerizing imagery and compelling costumed characters, but the film’s power comes from the relatability of one’s journey to death. Gawain sets out to bring worth to his name, growing through his troubles and triumphs, interacting with those who help and those who hurt, all to come to the inevitable end to examine not just the worth of his name, but the cost of his journey. Lowery does not spoon-feed the answers, because there are no answers to the inevitabilities of life. We are left to reflect on what it all means to us, and for The Green Knight to capture this simplicity on such a grand scale, is a feat of filmmaking that is far easier to dream than to create. The technical aspects, along with a cathartic viewing experience, make The Green Knight one of the best films of the year and further establishes Lowery’s own legacy as one of the greatest living filmmakers. -Jonah Desneux

4. Bo Burnham: Inside

It feels obvious to say that Bo Burnham: Inside is the quintessential Covid movie. But then, I never claimed to shy away from stating the obvious. After stepping away from the keyboard in 2016, Burnham had planned his grand return to the stage in 2020 before, as he states, “the funniest thing happened.” What follows is one of the most deeply personal and introspective comedy specials put to film. 

From beginning to end, Burnham is completely and totally isolated. During this (everybody say it with me!) unprecedented time, it is clear that he needs to regain control of some aspect of his life. Burnham proceeds to write, perform, and record a performance that is unlike any other. With an immense amount of vulnerability, Inside often acts as more of a documentary about making a comedy special than a comedy special itself. Mixing humor with a very real sense of anxiety, fear, and dread seems to allow Burnham to come to terms with his current situation in a way that we can only hope was as cathartic for him as it was for us. -Logan Van Winkle

3. Nightmare Alley

Guillermo del Toro’s remake of the 1947 noir Nightmare Alley is a rare example of a remake finding greatness in the retelling of an entrancing story, while simultaneously creating its own immaculate image. Del Toro treads this fine fine line by perfectly matching the auteur’s magical realistic style and imagery, with a mastery of noir storytelling. No one is better at creating a fantasy fairytale than Del Toro. The genre has become uniquely his own. While he continues to share his cinematic fables to great acclaim, to the point of winning the Oscar for The Shape of Water, Del Toro boldly combines his imaginative filmmaking with a treasured relic of the past, creating a film juxtaposed with magic and grit, that ultimately proves to be the perfect match for each other.

Film Noirs are rarely regarded as fables, yet contain all the elements of one, parading in the sleek dark style to tell a tale of morals. Neo-noirs often focus on a modern detective, but Del Toro treats us in bringing back the noirs of cons and the artists who commit them. Nightmare Alley contains luxurious locations to give the characters the glamor they desperately desire, while maintaining the grim nature of crime and the human psyche. Without giving into total darkness, Del Toro breaks away from the bleak original material to create another world of wonder. Though the magic may not be real, like in Del Toro’s previous works, the imagery of a 1940s carnival brings about the unspoken preternatural atmosphere the director is known for. Bradley Cooper’s Stanton Carlisle, a hard-boiled man down on his luck haunted by his past, finds the fair, mesmerized by the pleasing oddities along with the audience. Del Toro lets us play around in this world, his world, that becomes home as we become familiar with our fables characters and their desires. As one does when they mature and age, we leave our home for grander ventures and follow Stanton into the city where the film takes shape as a full throttle noir. Cate Blanchett comes into play fulfilling her destiny as a traditional hot blooded femme fatale. With memories of home-present Rooney Mara’s character Molly. Del Toro balances Stanton’s journey, along with the film’s dramatically different genres and visual appeal. The results are a wondrous achievement in pure entertainment. The film’s themes and ideas resonate throughout, but Nightmare Alley is more than just ideas and themes found in all the best films. It is entertainment we strive to escape in, but often can not. This is not the type of Disney entertainment that brings back recognizable faces to sell nostalgia over story. Nightmare Alley is entertainment that comes from the transcendental cinematic experience of getting lost in a world crafted to perfection by one the world’s greatest creative minds and a plot of pure psychological pleasure. -Jonah Desneux

2. West Side Story

There are few things that can fill your heart with as much joy as watching someone who is really good at something be really good at that thing. When Steven Spielberg announced that he would be making his own adaptation of West Side Story, many people were hesitant. It’s West Side Story! One of the most beloved Best Picture winners ever! Why would you even attempt to make your own version? Believe it or not, Spielberg knows what he is doing. His (somehow) first ever musical is a glorious spectacle of song and dance. 

From the moment the film begins, and we are introduced to the Jets and their leader, Riff (played by the fantastic Mike Faist) it is clear that the audience is in for a treat. For two and a half hours, Spielberg recreates the magic of classical Hollywood. Every shot dazzles with imagination and every camera movement has purpose. When so many filmmakers seem to be painting by numbers, he comes in to remind us how good movies can truly be when you utilize the entire canvas. The excellence of West Side Story does not stop behind the camera. In front of it, the cast is extraordinary. Beyond the aforementioned Faist, the tale is brought to life by Ariana DeBose, David Alvarez, and a star-making turn from Rachel Zegler. To top it all off, Rita Marino is there to pass the torch to this new generation of stars. For every second of this film’s 156 minute runtime, they carry it well. -Logan Van Winkle

1.The Power of the Dog

Cinema survived 2020, cinema thrived in 2021. Cinema has shown once again, its ability and importance to stay present as the world turns upside down. Technological advancements, pandemic regulations, uncharted disruption practices, and a plethora of essential new voices, have developed the ways currently cinema looks, but the relentless desire for artists to tell their stories and audiences to consume these stories to learn, escape, and evolve proves that the burning light of motion pictures will never be extinguished. As long as there are stories to share, films will be the finest way for the soul to enjoy them. Jane Campion’sThe Power of The Dog is a testament to this nature, as it encapsulates the vital elements in empathetic storytelling that can only be found in film. In a mere 2 hours, Campion presents an engaging fabula, to appease the art house crowd who are allowed to playfully pick out hidden metaphors, subtle foreshadowing, devour themes too risque for the mainstream, while Campion’s uses subtext to tell the unseen life of a sad angry man and the men sad and angry men he represents. If not looking for an active viewing experience, Campion’s exceptional craftsmanship, can keep even the most casual of viewers enthralled by the complicated performances, cinematography glazed in beauty among devious spirits, and a mystery that is so brilliantly laid out that the end is not only satisfying, but burrows into the consciousness mind like a parasite in a sick animal. Campion provides answers to appease the needy mind, but presents questions for one to think about and take part in the communal aspect of cinema of sharing beliefs with others. Everything is done with a purpose and Campion uses editing and cinematography, to exemplify the language of cinema that can not be duplicated in other mediums. The film is about a cruel self-loathing rancher (Benedict Cumberbatch), his relationships, his reasons, and the games played for control and peace. The lines of good and bad are gray, as the film blurs the lines of reality and the identities we give ourselves to make sense of it. The Power of Dog brings about the spirituality of cinema, while taking on spirituality itself. -Jonah Desneux

2020 will not be a year remembered for its films, but its films will be remembered as testaments of the perseverance of art. Theaters may have closed in March, but as it always does, cinema found a way to live on. Many great films have unfortunately been lost in the streaming shuffle, so it is up for critics, fans, and casual viewers to highlight their hidden gems of 2020. We can’t depend on traditional awards season to let us know what was good and what wasn’t (and we never should really), so it’s time to showcase our favorite films that got us through miserable times.

Much like the films of the ’30s that allowed audiences to escape the horrors of the Great Depression, 2020 films offered a similar relief, while sharing strong messages of needed social change and justice. While not every film on this list is political, many speak to the absurdities of life and the anger, joy, and fear of the people who live it. 2020 was a year of coronavirus and civil unrest, but its films continue to break down barriers showing that a diverse industry is possible and needed. As many known directors pushed their projects to a later date, the spotlight was on directorial debuts and rising stars. As we begin to transition into normalcy, the future landscape of film looks bright. Now let’s reflect on the films that provided the best of a very bad year.

12. Babyteeth

What could have been the summer’s indie darling with a successful arthouse theatrical run, Babyteeth has unfortunately been lost in the waves of the July streaming dump. With little to no advertisement, Babyteeth never got the shot to take its claim as the best romance of the year. The awkward indie teen love story has been seen many times, but never with such grit that Babyteeth delivers. An incredible color-pop palette illuminates characters that would traditionally be written off as background players. Director Shannon Murphy takes tropes we love, dirties them up, and brings upon an emotional wrecking in a way that many dramatic filmmakers can only dream about.

Brought to life with a neon bleak style and genuine performances, Babyteeth tells the story of star-crossed lovers and finding meaning in a meaningless world. Eliza Scanlen takes on the starring role of Milla, a terminally ill teenager who falls in love with Moses (Toby Wallace) an unpredictable drug dealer she meets in a moment of fate. The young love is far from conventional but in their raw intimacy, both actors show their charismatic talents and sensational chemistry with each other. Essie Davis and Ben Mendelsohn contrast the couple as Milla’s parents, who are rightfully wary of Moses, yet yearn for their daughter to find happiness by any means. The performances from the four stars of Babyteeth are being repulsively overlooked and if enough attention is ever given to the film, they are prime Spirit Award candidates. – Jonah Desneux

11. The Vast of Night

 The Vast of Night may have come out in 2020 but its roots are planted firmly in a bygone era. Set in New Mexico in the 1950s, The Vast of Night is a slow-burn science fiction film that feels right at home with The Twilight Zone episodes it is stylized to emulate. When a radio show is interrupted by a strange audio signal, a small-town DJ and a switchboard operator work together to figure out what could be the source of the interruption. The plot is relatively light but unfolds in a way that keeps you on the edge of your seat. A lot of slow-burn movies receive complaints that they are too slow. By nature, they move at a snail’s pace. Despite the fact that The Vast of Night moves steadily, it builds and builds and builds in its tension and is never boring. 

The film works in the same way that those old Twilight Zone episodes still work. They are crafted so carefully and so thoroughly that you feel like you are a part of the journey every step of the way. What’s so special about this movie is that it is a debut from writer/director Andrew Patterson. When you consider how deliberately the film is paced and how well-choreographed its long takes are, it is truly astonishing that someone so young could pull off such a feat. Turn off the lights, pop some popcorn, and immerse yourself in the experience. – Logan Van Winkle 

10. The Forty-Year-Old Version

Radha Blank burst into the Hollywood scene in grandiose fashion with her film The Forty-Year-Old Version. Coming out of Sundance, Blank writes, stars, and directs a semi-autobiographical feature about a struggling New York playwright’s transition into the rap Community. Stuck teaching an after-school theater course at an underfunded high school, Radha struggles with her purpose as she turns the dreaded four-zero. Given a chance at mainstream success, Radha must let her play be dissected and altered into a piece of “poverty porn” to appeal to a white liberal audience. Struggling with defiling her vision and art by means to become more widely known, The Forty-Year-Old Version brilliantly captures Blank’s own internal conversations and the unfair expectations facing black artists.

The Forty-Year-Old version drips with passion, humor, and heartbreak. Wonderful performances from Blank and her incredible young cast raise the film above the independent status quo. From the energetic high-schoolers to Radha’s love interest D (Oswin Benjamin), The Forty Year-Old-Version is an engaging catalyst to showcase new talent. Stimulated by the freshness of the film, Blank successfully challenges the norms of greatness that we blindly accept to be true and explores where art’s meaning truly stems from. Ticket sales vs. artist integrity has been the greatest matchup for films since “cinema of attractions” came to be in the early days of Hollywood. Luckily for us, Blank lands a critical blow for filmmakers everywhere and she is now a must-watch director in the years to come. – Jonah Desneux

9. The Invisible Man 

The only film on the list that I saw in a movie theater, The Invisible Man, was one of the biggest surprises of the first half of the year. Although sharing the same name, this iteration of The Invisible Man has little in common with the 1933 film. Elisabeth Moss stars as Cecilia, a woman who has narrowly escaped the clutch of her abusive boyfriend. Once Cecilia is safe, she learns that her abuser has killed himself. In the days following, many strange happenings occur in her life and she becomes convinced that he is still around – somehow, some way. 

The Invisible Man works perfectly as a piece of entertainment. It’s scary, Moss is great, and it is just all around a well-made film. It works, perhaps even better, as an example of the trauma that abuse victims experience.Cecilia has to try to convince those around her of what she is experiencing but so often, they write it off. Director Leigh Whannel wisely puts the audience in the position of Cecilia. We see, hear, and experience everything with her. We feel the betrayal when Cecilia is not believed and the hopelessness when nothing is being done. The Invisible Man is one of the most effective horror films to come from a major studio in quite some time. – Logan Van Winkle

8. I’m Thinking of Ending Things

Charlie Kaufman’s highly anticipated adaptation of Iain Reid’s novel I’m Thinking of Ending Things finally came to Netflix in 2020 and responses were expectedly divided. Like all great things Kaufman, I’m Thinking of Ending Things is a surreal rollercoaster that is less about the “why” and more about the “wtf.” Trapping viewers in a seemingly never-ending unsettling nightmare of absurdity, Kaufman raises his bar of how far he’ll go in toying with an audience. Frustrations have been expressed as the film presents itself as a jumbled mystery with no apparent answers, other than what is given in the source material. As the debates rage on, the humor and the point of surrealism’s non-existent point is completely missed. 

I’m Thinking of Ending Things stars Hollywood’s favorite Jessies, with Jessie Buckley and Jesse Plemmons as a young couple who are on their way to meet Jake’s (Plemons) parents. Oh, and they might be the same person, and the person they are, are neither of them, or it’s both of them, or it’s one of them, or it’s a suicidal high school janitor, it’s confusing and utterly exhilarating. Kaufman weaves a convoluted web of unsettling imagery and tone. While not employing horror elements, Kaufman attempts to make his viewers uncomfortable with traditional tropes that slowly seem off and then unfold into utter chaos. While Kaufman never attempts to control the chaos by shaping a traditional narrative, he guides the film into being about the audience’s feelings, as opposed to what is on the screen. I’m Thinking of Ending Things is not a film for everyone, I’m sure Netflix recommended this to many people who turned it off before the first hour is up, but it is an excellent statement on how the cinematic narrative still has room to be played with. – Jonah Desneux

7. Promising Young Woman

Perhaps the most shocking directorial debut of the year, Emerald Fennell’s Promising Young Woman is a firecracker of a film. Carey Mulligan is Cassandra, who, in order to cope with a traumatic event from her past, spends her nights pretending to be drunk, often resulting in a “nice guy,” offering to take her home. When they attempt to take advantage of her, they get a lot more than they bargained for and just a taste of what they deserve. 

Promising Young Woman is a deeply sorrowful, darkly comedic take on the trauma experienced by women when living within a patriarchy. The men responsible for Cassandra’s trauma get to go on living their lives, while she is forced to live with and suffer underneath the weight of what they did. This is the reality for so many women and it’s because of that fact that the places that Promising Young Woman dares to go, may not sit well with every viewer. Admittedly, I was not onboard with the way the story zigged and zagged at first but once I hopped on its wavelength, I found myself fully invested in Cassandra’s journey. – Logan Van Winkle

6. The World of Tomorrow Episode Three: The Absent Destinations of David Prime

Don Hertzfeldt has been ruling the science-fiction genre with his World of Tomorrow series. Cinematic history is made with each abstract addition to the series and if your eyes haven’t been on Hertzfeldt, they better be now because he’s a name you’ll want to remember. Creatively painting the picture of our future with absurdity, stick figures, and emotionless narration, Hertzfeldt somehow makes the most emotionally exhilarating viewing experience in exploring the themes of what it means to be human. By stripping away the dramatics and expressions and focusing solely on the worlds the characters speak, the World of Tomorrow series brilliantly plays with the art form of animated film and how to tell stories.

The third addition to the series, The Absent Destinations of David Prime, progresses the series past its prior formula of having a clone, Emily, travel back in time to talk to a younger version of her original self known as Emily Prime. Instead, the film focuses on a grander narrative that no longer just explains Hertzfeldt’s universe but begins to explore it. Focusing on David Prime, Emily’s love mentioned in the previous short films, Hertzfeldt takes his audience across space and time as David attempts to receive a message left to him by Emily. As the characters move throughout with their emotionless expressions, Hertzfeldt puts on a rosy lens to explore the deeper feelings of love, rather than just seeing a smile on one’s face. The World of Tomorrow Three is a modern-day space epic for an emotionally broken future that may be absurd but inherently possible in many ways. – Jonah Desneux

5. American Utopia

In a year full of constant despair, David Byrne made his glorious and much-needed return to the concert movie genre with David Byrne’s American Utopia. The film is a recorded performance of the Broadway show of the same name, directed by Spike Lee. To watch David Byrne’s American Utopia is to experience David Byrne’s American Utopia. As someone who, before, would have called himself the casualest of casual David Byrne/The Talking Heads fans, I found myself completely sold by the end. The premise could not be more simple. Byrne, along with about a dozen other performers, sing and dance to some of his most popular hits over the years, as well as some new songs. 

There is something about David Byrne’s American Utopia that takes hold of you and doesn’t let go. The show plays out in a captivating way that utterly engulfs you and by the end, you find yourself in an almost dream-like sort of entrancement. Months after watching this, I find myself humming several of the songs – many that I have only heard the one time – and thinking back to Byrne’s quiet but profound musings on life in between songs. In a year that so badly needed joy, David Byrne’s American Utopia reminded me how good it feels to feel unbridled happiness while watching someone else’s art play out in front of you. My only regret is not being able to see this stage show live and in person. For now, this life-affirming recorded performance will have to do. – Logan Van Winkle

4. Bloody Nose, Empty Pockets

One of the year’s most immersive films of the year brilliantly lies somewhere between fact and fiction. Without giving away any crucial details, the less you know the more exhilarating the experience. Bloody Nose, Empty Pockets is the year’s best experimental film. Documenting the last day of business of a dive-bar in Las Vegas, directors Bill and Turner Ross use the direct cinema fly-on-the-wall technique to capture the celebration, drama, and despair of the patrons who call townie bar The Roaring 20s their home away from home. Bloody Nose, Empty Pockets submerges itself into the world of people who are written off as the rejects of society. As the film progresses their stories and thoughts are shared through conversations with each other, challenging the notion of the American Dream.

Part of the fun of Bloody Nose, Empty Pockets is researching the film afterward. Unraveling the mystery of the film’s creation is just as fun as watching the bar’s patrons have a sparkler party in the parking lot. The Ross Brothers employ cinema verite techniques not seen much since its heyday during the French New Wave. Exploring all the extreme emotions brought out by alcohol, a simple film brings about big moments rooted in normalcy. The viewing experience is almost as if you’re staring into a complex drunken fishbowl for its satisfying under two-hour runtime as the inhabitants of the bar stick with you long after the credits roll. Michael Martin steals the show as a failed actor who drinks himself silly from open to close each day at the bar and wonders what his future will hold once it is gone. There are debates about Martin’s merits as a person or an actor, but brimming with sincerity, I believe that Martin gives the greatest performance of the year. – Jonah Desneux

3. The Trial of the Chicago 7

I have to say something up front. There is literally nothing Aaron Sorkin could write that I will not absolutely eat up. I have tried and I have failed. I always succumb to the power of Sorkin. The Trial of the Chicago 7 is no different. Telling the story of 7 people on trial for their roles in the Chicago uprising during the 1968 Democratic National Convention, Sorkin is right where he belongs. As a screenwriter, he is known for his snappy dialogue with back and forths performed so quickly they would fit right in at Wimbledon. 

Luckily, this cast is up to the task of performing Sorkin dialogue. And what a cast it is! You have Eddie Redmayne, you have Mark Rylance, a little bit of Yahya Abdul-Mateen II, sprinkle in some Jeremy Strong and Sacha Baron Cohen, then let’s top it off with some Michael Keaton while we’re at it. The craziest part is that’s not everyone! There are still three or four names I could list that would almost certainly make you let out a full, “hell yeah!” Like a lot of Sorkin screenplays, though, The Trial of the Chicago 7 is not perfect. Things are wrapped up a bit too nicely and it may help to avoid looking up direct comparisons between the movie and real-life events. Nonetheless, it is a hugely entertaining movie that hearkens back to the sort of courtroom dramas of the 1990s that Sorkin excels in writing. – Logan Van Winkle

2. Never Rarely Sometimes Always

Sorry, First Cow but Never Rarely Sometimes Always holds the title of 2020’s ultimate minimal masterpiece. In her debut role, Sidney Flanigan puts on an internal tour-de-force performance under the direction of Eliza Hittman. Flanigan plays Autumn, who opens the film exposing her soul by singing in front of her entire school. Right away Flanigan rips away personal space and decency from Autumn by having the viewer watch Autumn at her most emotional. After discovering she is pregnant, Autumn travels to New York alongside her cousin (Talia Ryder) to have an abortion she can not legally have in her small town in Pennsylvania. 

The film excels in its subtle nature and voyeuristic tone. Not giving answers all at once, the film is a cruel mystery that the audience is left to unpack through slight clues given in conversation and the numb expression on Autumn’s face. Dialogue is minimal in the film, but one of the most talked-about scenes of the year comes from the gut-punching conversation in the clinic that the film’s title derives from. The film expertly haunts its characters and viewers with the presence of men, creating a genuine fear that you would have watching horror. Never Rarely Sometimes Always is the antithesis of a small film with a big impact and everyone involved deserves an abundance of praise. – Jonah Desneux

1. Boys State

If David Byrne’s American Utopia was a source of joy in this nightmare of a year, Boys State offered a much more sobering reality. Boys State follows the happenings at a one week camp that takes place every year across the nation. In almost all fifty states, hundreds of high school juniors attend Boys State. Hosted by the American Legion, the purpose of the camp is to build a mock government. Attendees are divided into counties, cities, and political parties. They run for office, introduce bills, debate said bills, and even pass laws that are to be followed throughout the week. As someone who actually attended the Missouri version, I can confirm that the whole thing is an intensive, albeit kind of silly, experiment. 

This riveting documentary follows the 2018 Texas Boys State. Wisely, the film’s directors, Amanda McBaine and Jesse Moss, chose to focus on only a handful of the attendees. We follow these young men as they navigate the week, run political campaigns, and ultimately win or lose in their race for public office. The experiment works perfectly as a microcosm for the nation’s current political state. Despite being in high school, these boys run campaigns that range from ruthless and terrifying to earnest and optimistic. The movie is absolutely captivating in an unexpected way. In less than two hours, we are introduced to and care about these people like we know them personally and are as invested in a fake election from 2018 as we were with last year’s presidential election. Knowing that these children, quite literally, are our future fills the soul with a mixture that is equal parts full of hope as it is dread. #StevenGarzaForPresident – Logan Van Winkle

Is there anything more fun than sitting back and taking shots at a film that plays around in a narrative sandbox that you know front to back?

Well, probably: Roller coasters are a hell of a good time, but right behind all those banked turns and double loops has to be the haughty satisfaction of confidently calling bullshit on a movie trope or scene that painfully misses key realities or details.

And now that every person in the world has experienced a pandemic first-hand, the movies that deal in this currency are set for a brutal re-evaluation, with only the best of the bunch likely to survive a new critical reckoning.

Today’s Top 10 is a celebration of the films that got pandemics more or less correct from the micro or macro (or both) side of things. Movies that best captured the intimate paranoia and/or the broad social cataclysm of a plague earned a slot in the ranking below, and moved closer to the #1 position as they touched on crucial truths that are known only to those who have lived through them. The caginess of quarantine, deserted cities, paranoia of crowds, runs on resources, fumbled government responses, and exploitation of fear all define at least some phase of a global pandemic, and the proper use and/or combination of them earned the films listed today a spot in the ranking.

Now for the sticky bits.

Today’s Top 10 is exclusively limited to biological (not environmental) plagues that triggered a global pandemic resulting in death without any post-mortem reanimation. Indeed, if zombies were allowed into today’s conversation, this would be a different conversation. So, although it was a virus, 28 Days/Weeks Later was sadly excluded, along with World War Z, Maggie, and other films of that ilk. Alien invasions or other supernatural chaos agents (a la Invasion of the Body Snatchers, A Quiet Place, Birdbox, etc.) also fell out of the conversation, for like the zombie genre, that is a whole other ball of wax. We only settled for the best of the bunch in what remained, so without further ado, let’s kick things off with…

10. Hidden (2015)

There weren’t many people who saw this film when it first came out in 2015, but scores have rediscovered it since, owing in large part to the directors who made Hidden. Yep, a year before Stranger Things premiered, Matt and Ross Duffer wrote and directed this post-apocalyptic yarn about a mother (Andrea Riseborough), father (Alexander Skarsgård), and daughter (Emily Alyn Lind) trying to stay one step ahead of a deadly virus ravaging the U.S. Although the trio find some safety in an abandoned fallout shelter a little less than a year after the initial outbreak, “breathers” wander above and threaten to discover their small oasis. Struggling with cabin fever in the confined space and threatened by a rat that somehow made its way into the shelter, the parents fall victim to a series of unfortunate accidents that threaten to reveal their hiding space. Flashbacks provide a few glimpses of life at the start of the pandemic, which are just a little too familiar to 2020 eyes and should be enough to get anyone watching a little antsy in their seat. And while the film never features any postmortem reanimation, there are enough elements that make this one feel somewhat zombie-adjacent, which is the only reason it came in at the #10 spot, right behind…

9. Doomsday (2008)

A post-apocalyptic blood-and-guts corker from director Neil Marshall, Doomsday tells the story of a quarantined England that has walled Scotland off following the outbreak of the “Reaper Virus.” 27 years after the quarantine of the Scots, England’s Prime Minister (Alexander Siddig) sends a team of soldiers and scientists to track down rumors of a possible cure on the other side of the wall built to separate the quarantined region. For the purposes of this ranking, Doomsday is lacking in a few key areas, notably a presentation of the earliest days of panic that offer an intimate look at the day-to-day of those in lock-down. Marshall’s film does give audiences a peek at a world nearly three decades into a pandemic struggle, though, with walls and England isolated on the world stage due to the draconian measures takes to preserve at least a portion of its citizenry. So yeah, Doomsday is a decent watch, and doesn’t suffer from any hesitation when it comes to the more brutal scenes showing what a pandemic crossed with a Lord of the Flies national reckoning might look like.  

8. 12 Monkeys (1995)

Yet another movie that largely contents itself with the aftermath of a deadly pandemic rather than the initial outbreak, 12 Monkeys more than earned its stripes on today’s list. The story of a time traveler from 2035 trying to track down the origins of a pandemic that wiped out most of the earth’s population some 40 years before, the film takes a hard, outside the box look at the notion of contact tracing, elevating it to the sci-fi realm. At its heart, 12 Monkeys is a picture about an epidemiological puzzle whose final form is already known to the audience. It’s an interesting approach to take for a pandemic flick, as it eschews all the flashy panic and paranoia that characterizes the earliest days of an outbreak and forces the audience to consider those consequences. There’s also the urgency and despair that drips through the screen as the time traveler, James Cole (Bruce Willis), tries to warn those on the cusp of a global disaster what’s to come. It’s much the same as what any one of us in 2020 might feel if given a time machine and allowed to travel to the past, and for this, it snuck in at #8 just behind…

7. The Crazies (2010)

A fun micro exploration of a fast-moving disease exploding in small town America, The Crazies is the rare example of a horror remake that meets or exceeds the quality of its predecessor. The movie follows the sheriff of Ogden Marsh, Iowa, David Dutton (Timothy Olyphant), as he tries to get a handle on a surge of mayhem in his small community. Formerly passive, kindly folk begin committing savage acts of violence in Ogden Marsh, leading to the arrival of the military to quarantine Dutton and the rest of the town’s residents. Dutton and the audience learn that a military cargo plane carrying a chemical prototype named “Trixie” crashed in the marshy swamplands outside of Ogden Marsh, contaminating the town’s water supply and kicking off the violent frenzy. Sort of zombie-adjacent in its presentation of the virus and the military response, the victims are indeed alive after infection, and didn’t try to eat anyone, so this one sneaks into the conversation due to its magnificent use of confusion, paranoia, and mistrust of the government in tackling the issue in a responsible fashion.

6. It Comes at Night (2017)

A testament to the fear that spreads faster than any virus, It Comes at Night side-steps the expected macro examination of a pandemic, interested instead on the ways humans devolve in the face of an existential threat. Of course, fans of the zombie genre have walked this thematic path many times before with the whole, “the zombies aren’t the monsters, we are” bit. But when the zombies are removed from that equation and there’s just the panic and terror of the unknown outside one family’s safe space, this trope takes on a whole new life with COVID-19 now under everyone’s belts. When Paul (Joel Edgerton) and his wife/son come across another mother/father/son combo, they agree to let the trio stay in their secluded cabin deep in the woods, albeit with one eye always open. There’s a highly contagious disease ravaging the planet, so everyone’s best bet is to hole up and try to wait things out. Distrust infects the six of them more than any illness could, however, and before long, both sides are taking turns pulling guns and holding the other hostage. A taut psychological thriller that leaves the majority of the horror to the internal machinations of its panicked characters, It Comes at Night makes a lot more sense to audiences after the grocery and toilet paper shortages that characterized the earliest days of 2020’s pandemic.

5. Panic in the Streets (1950)

If you are fond of griping about how they don’t make pandemic movies like they used to, then Panic in the Streets is likely your gold standard, and for good reason. Elia Kazan’s 1950 film noir follows an MD with the U.S. Public Health Service, Reed (Richard Widmark), and his police captain sidekick, Warren (Paul Douglas), as they race to track down the origin of a fast-moving strain of pneumonic plague. The film is pure shoe leather epidemiology, with Reed and Warren piecing together clues about their patient zero’s identity and movements so that they can identify, isolate, and inoculate those he encountered. Long before the word “contact tracer” entered the popular lexicon, this movie featured a pair of them racing against the clock to halt the spread of a literal plague in steamy New Orleans. Although the movie’s heroes manage to stem the tide of the outbreak, their work battling the apathy of civil authorities and the public’s unwillingness to cooperate with their investigation presaged a very familiar reality 2020 knows all too well. Had the film dipped its toe into the earliest stages of panic brought on by its plague, it likely would have beaten out this next picture…

4. Outbreak (1995)

Riding the crest of the Ebola panic wave, 1995’s Outbreak gave audiences a taste of what a pandemic might look like on Mainstreet, U.S.A. A high-octane Hollywood yarn about the fictional “Motaba” virus, the film stars Dustin Hoffman as Col. Daniels, MD with the U.S. Army’s Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases. Hoffman spends most of the film power-walking through scenes like a wind up toy, but does a decent job portraying the urgency and basic methodology of epidemiology work. Director Wolfgang Peterson focuses less on the science and personal experiences of the afflicted and more on the fast-moving military and their quarantine of the fictional California town of Cedar Creek, which could potentially serve as the jumping off point for a devastating global pandemic if Motaba isn’t contained there. Scenes of the virus going airborne in a movie theater and the panic that spreads throughout the decision-makers (rather than the victims) is what really sets this one apart and puts it so deep in today’s ranking. Stocked full of movie stars that were all mugging for their trailer clip and a 90s action backbone, Outbreak feels a little too Hollywood at times, which is one of the few criticisms one could level at this next film…

3. And the Band Played On (1993)

Adapted from the book of the same name by journalist Randy Shilts, And the Band Played On is a devastating critique of pretty much every participant of the AIDS crisis to varying degrees, saving venom for doctors, victims, politicians, activists, and the medical industry alike. Although Shilts’ book wove in dozens of figures spanning the globe, the film set its primary focus on the doctors treating the mysterious disease during the earliest phase of the epidemic (1981 – 1985), who tapped community organizers, local physicians, and the terrified victims who were the first to suffer from the retrovirus for help. To be sure, there were a handful of people who realized the horrific implications of AIDS and its transmission vectors in the earliest days of the struggle, like CDC doctor Don Francis (Matthew Modine), San Francisco epidemiologist Selma Dritz (Lily Tomlin), and Democratic political organizer Bill Kraus (Ian McKellen), yet their voices were often drowned out.

Over year years, these key players found themselves stymied on two fronts by a new Regan administration that refused to spend money on anything that wasn’t defense-related, and in a surprising twist, a gay community that rallied vociferously against anything that they perceived as an attack on their rights (i.e., bathhouse closures). The dread and paranoia that surrounded AIDS in those early days, the sickening realization that quicker action could have saved thousands (now millions) of lives, and the two-front fight of a government and public that mobilized far too late to halt a catastrophe make this a terribly timely re-watch in 2020. New York author Larry Kramer appears in Shilts’ book (though not the movie) as one of the few who did take AIDS seriously, along with Francis, Dritz, and Kraus, and it was Kramer’s play about his struggles during the earliest years of the pandemic that made up the basis of this next entry, today’s runner-up…

2. The Normal Heart (2014)

Adapted from the play of the same name by Larry Kramer, The Normal Heart is a devastating ground-level look at the ways the AIDS pandemic ravaged an entire generation. The story is largely autobiographical, and follows the efforts of Kramer, fictionalized as “Ned Weeks” (Mark Ruffalo), and the New York LGBTQ+ community’s grassroots organizing to provide resources for the scores of men getting sick throughout 1981 and beyond. The film tracks the first panicked whispers from the friends of mysteriously sick men dying horrible, lonely, painful deaths, and the apathetic response from state and government officials. The film captures the terrifying sense of the unknown surrounding the illness, and the paranoia that it engenders in social settings for doctors and patients alike.

The inability or unwillingness of the government to tackle the problem with a full raft of resources is frightfully familiar in 2020, as is the representation of the disruption of any sense of community for a population that will likely never know the previous normal again. The enduring 2020 legacy of The Normal Heart has to be its portrayal of the fractures that separate friends and family due to the pandemic, however, and the ways people divide themselves into camps based on their level of appreciation for how serious the issue really is. Like those that scoff at mask wearing, or insist that it’s no big deal to go to a crowded bar, Kramer’s story also has a gallery of gay allies who insist that closing bathhouses or curbing sexual activity is an infringement upon their rights. In The Normal Heart, Ned Weeks often laments that if AIDS had hit the straight community with the same vigor it did the gay men of New York, things would unfold differently in the press and lead to less death and devastation; in 2020, we know he was only half right.

1. Contagion (2011)

Perfect, perfect, perfect. What else can you say about this one, really? When Steven Soderbergh made Contagion in 2011, the director and his writing partner, Scott Z. Burns, consulted epidemiologist Larry Brilliant to craft a believable story about a fictional pandemic event that hewed closely to what history, experts, and research models indicated might actually transpire. The result is a film that plays in 2020 like a documentary, for it is about a novel virus that originates in Chinese bats and spreads to humans as a result of unsanitary food handling. Although the film’s flu virus (MEV-1) has a shorter incubation period and is considerably more deadly, much of what transpires in the film, from the government’s response, to the panic on the ground, to the weasels trying to make a buck off of bogus miracle drugs, is startlingly accurate. Indeed, if anything, Contagion gives too much credit to the CDC and Washington D.C., who mobilize resources quickly and “figure out how to work online” with seemingly no trouble or partisan infighting.

Overall, though, the movie hits every note of the pandemic with frightening precision, rotating perspectives between scientists, government officials, and everyday citizens without ever striking a false note. The interplay between the husband (Matt Damon) of patient zero (Gwyneth Paltrow), and his stir-crazy daughter (Anna Jacoby-Heron) is especially timely, for it shows how lockdowns, even essential ones, can begin to feel like a prison sentence. For an all-star cast that also includes Kate Winslet, Lawrence Fishburne, Jude Law, Bryan Cranston, John Hawkes and a score of others, the true star of Contagion is unquestionably MEV-1, though. Indiscriminate, blind, and waiting to latch onto a person regardless of precautions, the virus can’t be defeated or willed away, only dealt with and minimized. Watching the film in 2011 was a humbling experience, granted, but a viewing in 2020 is nothing short of a glimpse at a Nostradamus-like forecast that came about 9 years too early.

2019 was a weird year, and the movies that came out in the past 12 months reflect that. As we head into an election cycle that is bound to go down in history no matter what happens in November, class disparity in the United States is bigger than ever. It features heavily into at least three films on this list, which also happen to be hugely entertaining and rise above the usual muscular exercises in genre. And even if there’s two world-war-set movies on the list, don’t think for a moment that there isn’t a very specific current reason that the fascist perspectives in one of them are being lampooned. The other best films of 2019 echo the unstable moment we are living in, and include nuanced character studies, nostalgic elegies, and a sweeping epic about purpose and, well, luck.

As Scene-Stealers.com enters our 15th year of bringing you unique perspectives on current movies, we polled our critics for their own Top 10 list of 2019’s best movies, and these are the ones that made the cut:

10. Us

Jordan Peele‘s Us is an impressively ambitious follow-up to his directorial debut Get Out. While it might reach further than it can grasp, the confidence the writer/director demonstrates with this film makes for an experience which rewards multiple return viewings. The central theme of identity and how one’s past can return to literally haunt and attack their present is fully realized with Us‘s striking visual palette and a brilliant performance from Lupita Nyong’o. The metaphor is then driven home with two perfectly utilized needle drops. ’90s hip hop has never been so menacingly effective. 

8. (tie) Booksmart

In a Hollywood age where comedies are almost as good as dead, Olivia Wilde jumpstarts the genre back to life with her directorial debut Booksmart. A little raunchy, a little weird, but always smart, Booksmart is one of the greatest comedies of the 21st century. In the same class of high-school generation-defining films like Superbad, Dazed and Confused, and American Graffiti, Booksmart takes its place as a film that provides genuine laughs and properly portrays the youth depicted. Beanie Feldstein and Kaitlyn Deaver give career-making performances playing the roles of two high school seniors who have come to the realization that they have wasted their high school experience by spending too much time in the library instead of having fun. Determined to have a wild night of partying, the pair embark on a quest of misadventures to prove to themselves and others that they are more than just the smart kids in class. The unsung hero of Booksmart and many other films is the brilliant casting director Allison Jones. The hilarious ensemble put together by Jones is what makes Booksmart so special. Each character in the film is memorable and trying to choose the best is an almost impossible task (it’s Jared). Jones deserves the most amount of praise possible and this amazing film written, directed, and starring women deserves to be seen. – Jonah Desneux

8. (tie) Marriage Story

Watching two affluent individuals go through a messy divorce shouldn’t make me care as much as Marriage Story did. Inspired by his own breakup with actress Jennifer Jason Leigh, writer/director Noah Baumbach’s deeply personal story of two individuals at odds with one another through the challenges of having a marriage and family fall apart on opposite sides of the country was one of the most soul crushing and yet mesmerizing experiences of 2019. I am a person who focuses on the acting aspects of films and here we have two actors at the top of their games, Scarlett Johansson as actress Nicole and Adam Driver as director Charlie deliver some of the best roles of their careers and of the year. As the film slowly progresses, it makes you wonder if you’re in the middle of all of this, asking to pick a side that often times doesn’t exist and questioning if that one person in your life that you thought was the one wasn’t, and only the thought of another helps one to keep going and being alive. – Christian Ramos

7. Uncut Gems

With their last film (the underrated Good Time, starring Robert Pattinson) and the new Uncut Gems, NYC-based Safdie brothers seem intent on exposing audiences to very specific subsets of the city’s criminal underworld. It could just be that it’s the world they know best. Whatever their reasoning, Uncut Gems is a fascinating (and pulse-pounding) exploration of compromise and self-delusion, writ large. As a morally repugnant jeweler with a gambling addiction, Adam Sandler may be the least likable main character in a mainstream film since Pattinson’s low-level petty thug, but the movie itself is alive with such ferocious energy that it’s impossible to look away amidst all the tension and yelling. And, oh the yelling. Wow. Lots of movies this year reflect the razor-thin edge our society is precariously balanced on right now, but this is the only one that feels as assaultive as the constant flow of daily crazy in the news. – Eric Melin

6. The Irishman

As far back as I can remember I always wanted to be a gangster. Not actually, but I’ve always loved gangster crime films. From the ’70s to today, from The Godfather to The Irishman, they are four names recognizable by just their last names within the genre: Scorsese. DeNiro. Pesci. Pacino.  Coming together for the first time, they’ve created a three-and-a-half-hour magnum opus that’s highlighted by Pesci’s best performance and a possible Oscar nom for both him and Pacino. While the jury is still out on ILM’s “de-aging” process, it doesn’t distract (too much) from what this film successfully does: cover over 40 years of a great story and mark the end of the modern Italian-American mob movie era. – KB Burke

5. Jojo Rabbit

Two things happened in the theater when I saw Jojo Rabbit. First, I both laughed and cried within a matter of scenes. I don’t remember the last time a film evoked such a wide range of emotions from me. A good movie will hit on as many emotions as possible to help the viewer connect with the characters. But when I say laugh, I was laughing out loud at some the scenes involving writer/director Taika Waititi, who portrays Adolf Hitler as the buffoonish invisible friend of Roman Griffin Davis’ title character Jojo. And when I say cried, I was damn near balling in the theater. Which connects to the second thing that happened … the filmgoers audibly gasped during a particularly tough scene. Not just a few, but the whole theater. We should’ve seen it coming too, but Taika the director played us beautifully. Jojo Rabbit sports an amazing cast who effortlessly move between satire and heartache, providing 2019 with one of the most beautifully bizarre movies of the year. – Joe Jarosz

4. 1917

1917 is one of the most dazzling and immersive films of the year. Set during World War I, director Sam Mendes (Skyfall, American Beauty) delivers the incredible journey of two British soldiers sent on a do or die mission across the infamous No Man’s Land to deliver a warning to hold off on an invasion. It’s a race against time set to the cinematography of Oscar winner Roger Deakins, who’s masterful eye makes it feel like it’s all happening in one shot. The film boast some big names in supporting roles — look out for Benedict Cumberbatch, Mark Strong, Colin Firth and Andrew Scott — but it’s the two leads, Dean-Charles Chapman and George MacKay that are the heart and soul of this stunning thriller. 1917 is not only arguably the best movie of 2019, it’s one of the most powerful films of the decade. – Tim English

3. Once Upon A Time in Hollywood

Whenever Quentin Tarantino has a new film out, audiences know that an in your face violent ride is in store. However much to the surprise of many, Tarantino’s ninth film Once Upon a Time in Hollywood was less about the expected bombast but instead a thoughtful reflection on the directors’ aging career and Hollywood itself. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood takes place in a semi-fictionalized Hollywood in 1969 amid the transformation of Hollywood and the eve of the infamous Manson murders. Following the days of a washed-up film actor Rick Dalton (Leonardo DiCaprio), his stunt double/best friend Cliff Booth (Brad Pitt), and actress Sharon Tate (Margot Robbie) the film drips with dramatic irony. Tarantino’s reimagining of Hollywood during its metamorphosis is fascinating to watch and has the ability to bring about emotions of sympathy and heartbreak not usually found in the director’s other work. A complete tonal change of this magnitude isn’t easy for even the most proclaimed of filmmakers, but through his sharp script and onscreen-present passion for film, Tarantino makes this transition with ease and creates the most meaningful film of his career. – Jonah Desneux

2. Knives Out

It’s a glorious thing to watch a filmmaker have fun, and anyone who has seen Knives Out knows that the writer/director Rian Johnson is doing just that with his picture. Unshackled from the burdens of directing the most contentious Star Wars movie in history (and coincidentally, also the best of that series in last 39 years), Johnson gives himself some runway and absolutely tears it the fuck up. A parlor murder mystery for the MAGA era, Knives Out plays with as well as subverts classic genre tropes so that audiences can enjoy a good old fashioned whodunnit that also knows how to take the piss out of all the participants. Each of the actors are in on the joke, too, and they stop just short of physically winking at the audience in their upending of character tropes that run the gamut from cultured detective to spoiled relatives with a secret. The mystery is delightful, the acting is top-notch, and Johnson keeps things spinning just fast enough to keep everyone guessing right up to the final act, which concludes matters without any sequel teases or after-credits stingers. In an era of franchises and connected cinematic universes, Knives Out is a welcome breath of fresh air, or as Benoit Blanc (Daniel Craig) put it, “a tax return by community theater.”  – Warren Cantrell

1.Parasite

I mean, it was always going to be Parasite at #1. Right? Probably the most surprising thing about Parasite’s place in the current zeitgeist is that it is not at all surprising to see it topping critical and audience polls for Best Film of 2019. Bong Joon-ho, a Korean filmmaker chiefly known for sci-fi and action, made a subversive dark comedy about economic disparity that gives no easy answers and aims chiefly to deeply depress and unsettle its audience, and it turned out to be the best crowd-pleaser we’ve had in years. I’ve seen it three times, each with full audiences and each surrounded by laughter at the beginning, gasps during the mid-film reveals and awed silence at the barn-burner of a finale. Parasite has not only become pervasive “for a foreign film,” but has possibly become the first non-English Language film since Amelie to become an all-consuming force in the American psyche (or at least since fellow Korean Park Chan-wook’s Oldboy). You could make jokes about it on SNL if you wanted. With its straightforward chops with film fundamentals, the film feels as accessible and approachable as a Marvel Film, while forcing its audience to wrestle with the very real, very political and very difficult themes at the heart of the film. It suckers you in with laughs, then forces you to ruminate on the society around you. It goes all the way down to the title. Who, in the end, would be the parasite? Is it the impoverished, huckster Kims, or the ignorant, wealthy Parks? The answer, as with all great films, will end up telling you more about yourself than anything else. – Simon Williams

Well, then: here we are. Marvel Studios has elbowed their way back in everyone’s life this week with the release of their eponymous superhero: Captain Marvel. The story of an alien-human hybrid with near-limitless powers and a predilection for skin-tight onesies, the film is a rare example of a female-fronted superhero film in a genre that often positions women in supporting roles. This got Scene-Stealers thinking about the best examples of female comic book superheroes in film, as there have been many great examples (along with several bad ones) over the years.

So, as long as the movie character in question was adapted from an existing comic book or graphic novel, they qualified for a spot in the ranking (sorry, Buffy, no reverse-engineered comic incarnations allowed). To keep things from getting bunched up around one or two great characters, only one incarnation of a particular female superhero was permitted, which made for a couple of tough decisions that will be expanded on in a few of the selections below. When ranking the ladies, the quality of the movie(s) the character appears in, the abilities of the superhero, and the performer’s acting proficiency were all considered.

Some close-call honorable mentions that didn’t measure up in one or all of these categories included Peggy Carter from Captain America, Harley Quinn from Suicide Squad (Christ, that movie sucked), Laurie Jupiter/Silk Spectre II from Watchmen, Hit-Girl from Kick-Ass, Hope van Dyne from Ant-Man, and Sif from Thor: all of whom missed out on a spot. So, with all of that out of the way, let’s start with a 90s cult-classic favorite…

10. Lori Petty as Rebecca Buck/Tank Girl from Tank Girl

An interesting character stuck in a mediocre movie, Tank Girl is 104 minutes of regrettable “what-if” in action. Based on the 1988 comic of the same name, Tank Girl was a post-apocalyptic scarcity yarn about water in the Australian outback (Mad Max’s ears are burning, FYI). Lori Petty played the eponymous character, who found herself in the clutches of the bad guys, led by the always delectable Malcolm McDowell, only to then bust loose with a tank to raise some hell. Spunky, loyal to her people, and tough to kill, Tank Girl eventually ran into some half-human-half-kangaroo mutants, who allied with her to take on the water-monopolizing goons in power. A sort of proto-Furiosa, Petty’s character in the film worked more than she didn’t, displayed a fantastic amount grit and resilience, and was more than equal to the task of taking down McDowell’s Kesslee character. Based on the criteria for the list today, however, she was a bit lacking, as this movie is famously cheesy, and Petty…well…she’s never been accused of possessing a surplus of talent. For a slight improvement on all these fronts, we ought to turn to…

9. Zazie Beetz as Domino from Deadpool 2

This one was a ton of fun, admit it. The Deadpool franchise is famous for pointing out its own inconsistencies, contrivances, and ironies, so the introduction of luck-fueled Domino (Zazie Beetz) in Deadpool 2 was a real treat. Indeed, as Wade Wilson/Deadpool (Ryan Reynolds) mentioned himself, “luck” isn’t something that translates well to film, so to accomplish this in the raunchy sequel, a series of Rube Goldberg-like sequences served as the foundation for the character’s action. Domino’s luck served her well, too, as she squared off with Cable (Josh Brolin) without incurring much damage and was the reason the disastrous X-Force raid came off as well as it did. Indeed, pretty much everyone in X-Force except Deadpool and Domino either died or suffered grievous bodily harm, so the impressiveness of her survival cannot be overstated. As far as the film goes, Deadpool 2 is an entirely serviceable, nay, enjoyable sequel to an instant classic, and Beetz is a delightfully breezy addition to a cast that prizes a mix of humor and strong physicality. 

8. Charlize Theron as Lorraine Broughton from Atomic Blonde

You’re goddamned right this one qualified! Adapted from the graphic novel “The Coldest City,” Atomic Blonde was the story of MI6 field agent Lorraine Broughton (Charlize Theron), who stabbed, punched, kicked, and fucked her way from one end of 1989 Berlin to the other. On the hunt for a missing microfilm document that contained the names of all active spies in Berlin, Broughton had to peel through several different layers of deceit and double-crosses ranging from Stasi, CIA, KGB, and fellow MI6 agents to get to the bottom of things. Atomic Blonde lived unequivocally in the real world, hence the absence of any “powers,” yet the scene with Broughton in the back of a sedan, or fighting through a hallway, painted her as the equal of pretty much everyone on today’s list. Indeed, it’s almost more impressive, here, for Theron’s character wasn’t fighting black-blooded cannon fodder aliens or the like, but other trained spies who were often bigger and stronger than she was. A magnificent performance in a stellar film, Broughton just missed out on the #7 spot, held down by a fierce warrior in a game-changing film that was one of 2018’s best…

7. Danai Gurira as Okoye from from Black Panther

In Black Panther, Okoye (Danai Gurira) served as the head of Wakanda’s Secret Service, the Dora Milaje, and was the traditional “body man” for the king. And while she wasn’t at her best when she lost one regent to a terrorist bombing, she distinguished herself during the reign of the next monarch, T’Challa (Chadwick Boseman). While in South Korea, Okoye showed how she could blend in and infiltrate behind the lines just as well as kick a little ass in tight quarters (both skills ended up being necessary). When a usurper made a legal challenge for Wakanda’s throne, Okoye maintained her honor and defended “the king” despite her own personal feelings. This one act said more about her character than any stand-off against a war-rhino or Thanos ever could and is a big reason why Okoye worked so well in Black Panther and beyond. It’s hard to imagine a fiercer, or more invested performance than that given by the immensely-talented Gurira, who was just one member of an absolutely stacked cast. Indeed, had Okoye enjoyed some genetic modifications, or scored some battlefield wins against more formidable opponents, she might have gotten ahead of…

6. Zoe Saldana as Gamora from Guardians of the Galaxy

A genetically modified skull-cracker who could fight as long, hard, and well as anyone else in her squad, Gamora (Zoe Saldana) has carved out a healthy spot for herself in the MCU. Skilled in unarmed combat, as well as those weird retractable space swords, Gamora demonstrated early on how formidable an opponent she was when she squared off against Quill, Rocket, and Groot simultaneously. Though not a top-tier, Oscar-nominated actress like some of the ladies listed here today, Saldana is indeed a fine performer, and is a big reason why the first Guardians of the Galaxy succeeded (her “straight man” role was the perfect anecdote to the film’s wall-to-wall wise-cracking). The brains of her squad, and the connective tissue for the whole MCU to the cinematic universe’s main baddie (Thanos), Gamora was just what this ranking was looking for. Gamora might have even moved up a little higher in the ranking had she…well…not gotten herself killed in Infinity War, which represented a pretty big hole in her superhero resume. To be fair, a lot of people died in that movie, including this next character…

5. Elizabeth Olsen as Wanda Maximoff/Scarlet Witch from Avengers: Age of Ultron

Hobbled by the fact that Avengers: Age of Ultron introduced the character, and further still by the not-at-all-convincing accent Elizabeth Olsen brings to the role, Wanda Maximoff/Scarlet Witch was nevertheless a powerful threat in the MCU and was in more good movies than bad ones. With devastating mind-control and telekinesis powers, she made for a formidable foe (or one hell of a sturdy ally). Her relationship with Vision offered some much-needed emotional grounding in Civil War, which was only further built upon to good effect in Infinity War. By the time of the latter’s movie’s premiere, Olsen seems to have figured out how to transcend the sometimes-stilted dialogue to affect an engaging side-plot that ties in well to the larger story. She’s gone toe-to-toe with some of the toughest heroes and villains in the MCU and lived to tell the tale, much like this next character, whose powers are a little less tangible…

4. Michelle Pfeiffer as Selina Kyle/Catwoman from Batman Returns

Sure, Catwoman (Michelle Pfeiffer) in Batman Returns didn’t have any real “superpowers,” but neither did Batman (Michael Keaton), so this one still scans. Besides, as Domino demonstrated, luck is its own advantage, and with her nine lives, Catwoman demonstrated just how useful kind, happy fate could be. After suffering a fall and what is implied to be a psychotic breakdown, mild-mannered secretary Selina Kyle transformed into her anti-hero alter-ego: Catwoman. In this masked role, she brawled Batman to a draw, out-foxed the Penguin, and was nothing less than deadly in all the encounters that demanded it. This film marked the high-water mark for the series until the Nolan reboots, and was nothing less than a smash hit when released in 1992 (and for good reason, it’s bad-ass and dark AF). And as far as pure acting talent goes, with the possible exception of Charlize Theron, Pfeiffer is about as good as it gets when it comes to this ranking’s stage chops. It was tough sledding ranking these last couple of graphic novel gals: a razor-thin margin separating Batman’s most famous female foe and this next nebulously-allied X-Men hall of famer…

3. Rebecca Romijn as Mystique from X-Men

Hot take time: Rebecca Romijn was a better Mystique than Jennifer Lawrence. There, it’s been said: fight me. Owing largely to the expansion of the character in the rebooted J-law incarnation, Mystique has become vulnerable and tame in ways that the Romijn version never seemed to be, and it has led to a de-fanging of the character and the absence of a mystery quality that was integral to its earlier success. Romijn might not be as good an actress as some of the others listed here today, but the use of her character in the earlier X-Men films carried far more menace and uncertainty, allowing her to impact the stories immensely in small doses. In other words, despite her limited dialogue and screen time, Romijn still managed to pack a wallop, and never once allowed the audience to imagine the character as anything more than a blue-skinned mutant who liked to kick in teeth. Lawrence’s try-hard version always came off as a little bit stilted, and like most things comic book-related, the deeper one digs into these characters, the less interesting they become. Subscribing to this model, this list’s #2 has remained shrouded in mystery since her introduction…

2. Scarlett Johansson as Natasha Romanoff/Black Widow from Iron Man 2, et al.

This was a tough one to beat. Natasha Romanoff/Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) was as fierce as any other woman listed today (she survived a tangle with The Hulk, after all), was played by a bona fide A-lister in Johansson, and to varying degrees, has been featured in the premiere films of the genre. Her physicality was unmatched by both men and women in the MCU, for despite the fact that she went into battle without an armored flying suit, magic shield, or freakish green mutation powers, she was never anywhere but right smack dab in the middle of the action. The mental equal of Tony Stark, a physical match of any spandex-sporting do-gooder, and an integral part of the narrative fabric of the MCU, right alongside Captain America or Thor, Black Widow really was without peer in her little world. In possession of Mystique’s moves, Tank Girl’s attitude, Catwoman’s superb fashion sense, and even Domino’s casual coolness, Black Widow was the best of all worlds when it came it female superheroes in film. Now, if she had some god-blood in her, like her buddy Thor or this next lady, she might have had a chance at snagging the top spot…

1. Gal Gadot as Diana Prince/Wonder Woman from Wonder Woman

Well, what can a person say about Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot)? She was the spawn of a god, could dodge bullets, withstand poison gas, and survived a fight that killed Superman, for Chistsakes. A bit naïve during her first trip off Themyscira, sure, but in Wonder Woman Diana quickly got up to speed with the way of the “modern” world and was single-handedly turning the tide in World War I battles in no time. Just as deadly with her bare-hands as she was with a sword or a shield, Diana also demonstrated that she had a keen mind as well as a warrior’s spirit. In her brief appearance in Batman vs. Superman, she outfoxed Batman (Ben Affleck), who in that world was supposed to be the world’s greatest detective, and later, during the Justice League film, she was the glue that held the team together. And while Gadot has only been in one good movie as the character, in that turn she was fabulous and the quality has rubbed off on the other appearances. Played by a magnificent actress in at least one film that was great, Wonder Woman had the skills to outshine everyone else listed today, and rightly sits atop this ranking of female superheroes in film.  

John Nance Garner was F.D.R.’s famously prickly Vice President and is said to have described the second-highest political position in the United States as, “not worth a bucket of warm piss.” If one takes Hollywood for an example, this does seem to be the case, as movies don’t often spend a lot of time with Vice Presidents. Indeed, unless they’re presiding over a tie in the Senate or running State Department errands (neither especially cinematic occurrences), there’s not much for them to do.

Director Adam McKay is bucking trends, then, with the release of Vice next week. The story of lifelong politician, war criminal, and garbage human being Dick Cheney, Vice has already built up a considerable amount of Oscar buzz, most notably for Christian Bale in the title role. Bale isn’t the first to take up the V.P. role in a film, or even the first to play Cheney, but he does join a select group of actors to claim ownership of a vice presidential part. Today’s Top 10 will rank the best V.P. performance in movie history, weighing screen time, character integrity, and the quality of the performance itself when gauging placement in the ranking. Quality performances that feature heavily in the story and conform to the best ideals of the office are thus rated highest. To qualify, the character in question had to actually serve in a political (not corporate) capacity as V.P., and excludes V.P. candidates (which is why Julianne Moore’s masterful work in Game Change was excluded). As always, feel free to comment below if you feel that we missed anyone, but for starters, we ought to talk a little about…

10. Miguel Ferrer as Vice President Rodriguez from Iron Man 3 

Just a few quick words for Vice President Rodriguez (Miguel Ferrer) from Iron Man 3, who conspired with the film’s main villain to enact a shadow coup against the president. This plan involved the destruction of Air Force One along with the presumable framing and/or death of Col. Rhodes (Don Cheadle), a true patriot, making the betrayal even more appalling. Although the V.P. had his reasons (he wanted some new tech to help his sick daughter), that’s no excuse for betraying one’s country and president, which, along with the scarcity of screen time for the character, is why this one fell to #10 in the ranking. The movie and performance by the late-great Miguel Ferrer shouldn’t be disregarded as substandard, however, and does speak to a larger trope of vice presidents often appearing in films as nefarious tricksters angling for the big chair. For more on this, we ought to turn to…

9. Victor Garber as the Vice President from Big Game 

What? You didn’t know that a movie exists where Samuel L. Jackson plays the POTUS in the Die-Hard-in-the-woods Scandinavian flick, Big Game? In that case, strap in, folks, ‘cause this oft-overlooked action masterpiece came with all the goods, including some great bow and arrow work, a teenaged hero, and the mutha fuckin’ President of the United States getting his hands dirty with some proper wet work. The story follows President William Alan Moore (Jackson), who finds himself stranded in Finland’s back-country when terrorists shoot down Air Force One. Moore is lucky enough to come across 13-year-old Oskari (Onni Tommila), who works with the president to take out the terrorists responsible, and get the pair back to safety. At the end of the film, the audience learns that a rogue former CIA operative orchestrated the whole thing with the Vice President (Victor Garber) in an attempt kickstart a new war on terror. The V.P. is killed to keep the plot a secret, and despite what appeared to be some earnest advising early on, seemed to get his proper comeuppance. Garber is fantastic in Big Game, however, and might even have beat out this next candidate had he gotten a bit more screen time…

8. Raymond J. Barry as Vice President Daniel Binder from Sudden Death 

Oh man, this one is bad. Sudden Death came at the end of Jean-Claude Van Damme’s 90s heyday, just on the heels of Street Fighter: a film so bad that it killed Raul Julia (okay, not really, but the man IS dead, so draw your own conclusions). This was after that blissful first wave of JCVD output, which included Kickboxer, Bloodsport, Lionheart, Universal Soldier, and Time Cop. The cocaine started to take hold of the guy by the mid-90s, however, leading to such ill-informed project choices as this third-tier Die Hard rip-off, which saw terrorists take over a hockey arena. Raymond J. Barry played V.P. Daniel Binder in Sudden Death, and was at the mercy of terrorists when they stormed his box at an NHL game. Little more than a script pawn to keep tensions high while JCVD Bruce Willis’d his way through the film, V.P. Binder didn’t have a lot to do except look nervous. He wasn’t in on the scam, however, and was both on-screen a lot and played by an entirely competent actor in Barry. For this, he got in at #8, behind a much better V.P. in a far superior film…

7. Gary Sinise as Harry S. Truman from Truman 

A largely forgotten bio pic that showcased perennial character actor Gary Sinise’s rock-solid chops, Truman did justice to the 33^rd president’s legacy. Spanning something like 40 years, from his enlistment during World War I to his departure from the White House after Eisenhower’s election, the film effectively portrayed the political titan as a rare example of a person who survived Washington with his conscience intact. From his early days as a Missouri politician to his run-ins with Stalin and MacArthur, the man’s integrity and sense of justice never wavered. The film didn’t linger on his vice presidency for all that long, though, which is understandable since his actual time in that office is little more than a historical footnote in what would be a long and storied political career. Still, the movie showed that Harry took his responsibilities as V.P. as seriously as everything else in his life, and when the call came down that FDR had died, the guy was ready for action in a heartbeat. For his integrity, and actions in the game after springing up off the bench, Sinise and Vice President Harry S. Truman slide in at #7.

6. John Carroll Lynch as Lyndon B. Johnson from Jackie 

This one is fantastic, and it’s due in large part to the fact that John Carroll Lynch’s performance as Lyndon Johnson in Jackie is oozing with subtext. LBJ and President Kennedy’s brother, Bobby, never got along all that well, you see. When Johnson came aboard the Kennedy ticket, Bobby did everything he could to slight and demean the seasoned U.S. Senator, and when JFK took office, it was Bobby who saw to it that Johnson’s role in the administration remained a toothless one. Consequently, Johnson had little patience for Bobby Kennedy when Jack died, and while we afforded his slain predecessor’s family every courtesy after Dallas, it became very apparent that a new man was in charge. Lynch carried himself with just the right amount of swagger in Jackie, balancing the calming statesman side of Johnson’s personality with just enough venom stored up for Bobby under the surface. The days following Kennedy’s assassination were both chaotic and unprecedented, and how Johnson fit into that drama formed a sizeable chunk of the film’s narrative. Lynch, always magnificent, really shined in the role, and served as a wonderful reality-based counterpoint to the dream-like madness of the drama. Still, he was only vice president for a few moments before claiming the big chair for himself in Jackie, and for that, he got knocked back to the middle of the ranking, just behind…

5. Richard Dreyfuss as Dick Cheney from W. 

On the one hand, Richard Dreyfuss turned in an all-time performance in W., transcending imitation to inhabit both the body and soul of the walking cancer that is Dick Cheney. And although the film is about Bush Jr. (Josh Brolin), Cheney does get a considerable amount of screen-time as the architect of the Iraq invasion and the visionary behind the Administration’s Middle East policy. Disregarding evidence, logic, and international support so that he could advance the interests of his friends and political allies, Cheney initiated a war in Iraq that plunged the region into a shockingly violent quagmire the world is still struggling with. Untold millions have died and will continue to die because Cheney used his office to start a conflict for the very worst reasons: initiating a soft coup to install pro-American regimes in an effort to establish a new American sphere of political and financial influence. Like some drunk asshole that shits in the pool, then leaves right as the party is wrapping up, Cheney skulked away after 2008 and has not been a very visible presence in political or social circles since. Dreyfuss did the wretched human justice in his portrayal, and only time will tell if Bale will transcend this performance, but for the purposes of this list, he seemed well-suited to the middle-5 spot, just behind…

4. Ben Kingsley as Vice President Gary Nance from Dave 

This poor fucker. Snared in a conspiracy to replace the sitting president with an impersonator, in Dave, Vice President Nance (Ben Kingsley) never had a clue what was going on at the White House. No, he he was shuttled off to Africa on a 12-nation goodwill tour when President Mitchell (Kevin Kline) was swapped out with a lookalike (also Kevin Kline), and thus never seemed to grasp the full scope of the conspiracy against him. The plan was to falsely implicate the innocent V.P. in a savings and loan scandal so that he would be forced to resign, which would then lead the way for the fake POTUS to nominate the White House Chief of Staff into that role, and eventually the presidency itself. The jerks pulling the strings didn’t count on the fake President being such a nice guy, however, as he stepped in to not only foil these plans, but put forth a new strategy to assure that the pious and honest Nance assumed the nation’s highest office. Kingsley isn’t in Dave all that much, but when he is, he carries himself with the gravitas of a man befitting his office. Even when he’s just cashing a paycheck (which was not the case here), Kingsley can be counted on to give a stellar performance, and he once again proved why he’s rightly considered one of the best actors of his generation.

3. Phil Austin as Vice President Charlie Rodriguez from Olympus Has Fallen 

Another Rodriguez Vice President: weird, right? And man, this guy got it bad in Olympus Has Fallen. In that film, when North Korean terrorists stormed the White House and took the President, V.P., Secretary of Defense, and a slew of other political heavyweights hostage, it was up to one man to save the day. Luckily for everyone, that man happened to be the king of fucking Sparta, and maybe the most outstanding secret service agent of all time, Mike Banning (Gerard Butler). As Banning worked his way through the White House, picking off the offending invaders one-by-one, the terrorists moved closer to their goal of obtaining three security codes to arm a device that would detonate every nuke on U.S. soil. One of the three codes was held by Vice President Charlie Rodriguez (Phil Austin), who only gave up his digits when directly ordered to by the president. This unwavering loyalty was impressive, and all the more tragic when the lead terrorist straight-up executed poor Charlie to punish Speaker of the House (and acting president) Alan Trumball (Morgan Freeman) for an attempted Navy S.E.A.L. infiltration. And speaking of Trumball, the guy got a considerable career bump in the sequel to Olympus Has Fallen, leading us to…

2. Morgan Freeman as Vice President Alan Trumball from London Has Fallen 

Talk about a political record! Trumball (Freeman) not only organized the defense of Washington and the protection of the Executive Branch when promoted from Speaker to President in Olympus Has Fallen, he went on to do pretty much all he same things, and somehow even more effectively, years later as Vice President in London Has Fallen. Once again the burden of the presidency was thrust upon Trumball when the Commander in Chief fell into peril, and once again, the man handled things like a bull moose boss. Trumball coordinated with British intelligence whilst also directing the efforts of the #1 king shit secret service agent of all time, Mike Banning (Butler), to again help save the day. Without his efforts, Banning wouldn’t have had the intel or the inter-agency support needed to protect, and later, recover the president. For the purposes of this ranking, Trumball edged out his predecessor not only because he survived the film, but also because Morgan Freeman is the superior actor (sorry, Phil). He also went full baller-mode at the end of the film when he used that soothing, Morgan Freeman narration voice to play-by-play the bad guy’s demise. If he’d been under a little more pressure, he might just have beat out the list’s final entrant, the all-time #1 vice president in movie history…

1. Glenn Close as Vice President Kathryn Bennett from Air Force One 

Come to the table with a more level-headed, intelligent, tough vice president in film, I dare you. In Air Force One, terrorists stormed the plane of President James Marshall (Harrison Ford), and took the first family and several cabinet members hostage. Although they thought that Marshall got away in an escape pod, he actually stowed away and went all Die Hard on their asses, mid-flight. Back home, the surviving cabinet members and Vice President Bennett (Glenn Close) gathered to discuss options, key amongst them the activation of the 25^th Amendment, which would have declared the president incapacitated, and therefore unable to submit to any terrorist demands. In other words, all Bennett had to do was admit that her boss was not an indestructible war machine capable of single-handedly confronting and defeating a highly-armed and well-motivated group of terrorists. True to her boss, and despite all the pressure from the Defense Secretary and Attorney General, Bennett held firm, and allowed for her president to get shit done and save the day. Without Bennett, the bad guys would have won, and the president, his family, and a handful of patriots would have surely died. The combination of superb acting with a meaningful, impactful character who fought for the right side put this one over the top and into the #1 spot, where the ass-kickingest vice president in movie history belongs.

Only time will tell if Mel Gibson has spent enough time in Hollywood’s time-out corner, but if early reviews of his directorial comeback effort Hacksaw Ridge are to be believed, it appears he may have. Transgressions may be forgiven (if not forgotten) in Hollywood if a director or actor can put asses in seats, and despite what a person may think of the man, Gibson has demonstrated an uncanny ability to do just that. Before his very public fall from grace about a decade ago, the Aussie tough guy with a 1000-watt smile proved time and again that he was as formidable a presence behind the camera as he was in front of it. Although his acting efforts were hit and miss at times, two Oscars from Braveheart along with the pile of money he made from that and The Passion of the Christ gave Gibson a lot of clout amongst studios and investors. Hacksaw Ridge is almost certainly the product of this enduring influence, and also the impetus for today’s ranking of military observers and medics in film.

It takes a pretty serious set of balls to wade into the middle of a war, yet even this courage seems dwarfed by people doing so without the comfort of a weapon to protect themselves. Hacksaw Ridge tells the story of one such non-combatant, and today’s list celebrates the most notable medics and observers that military films have offered over the years. These are the characters that braved the bullets to be at the front, alongside active combatants to help either with their observations, or their life-saving actions. The deeper in the shit the character was, the better for their ranking below, yet this wasn’t the only factor; how helpful that medic or observer was, both in the long and short-term, also played into the decision. And finally, although some of those listed below did take up arms in brief moments of frantic self-defense, the more passive and non-violent they were, the better for their position in today’s discussion. So, with all of that out of the way, we begin with…

10. Ty Burrell as Medic Wilkinson from Black Hawk Down (2001) 

What? You didn’t know Ty Burrell, aka Phil Dunphy of Modern Family fame, was in Black Hawk Down? Meh, that’s cool: all kinds of people were in it that you probably missed in case you happened to blink. Burrell, Tom Hardy, Orlando Bloom, Jeremy Piven, and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau all appeared in supporting roles in the visceral retelling of the U.S. Army’s clusterfuck operation in Mogadishu, Somalia on October 3^rd and 4^th, 1993. The movie followed the efforts of Task Force Ranger to secure hostile enemy leaders allied with the bull-moose bad guy in the region. The operation to capture these enemy lieutenants led to the downing of two American helicopters, however, which in turn led to a bloody firefight that pinned down would-be rescuers by thousands of agitated Somalis. Black Hawk Down cycled through several different A, B, and C-plots to celebrate the heroics of the 160 or so American soldiers tasked with the day’s work. One of these soldiers was a medic dropped in to help one of the wounded helicopter crews, Wilkinson (Burrell), who joked with the soldiers that he would hook them up with a margarita I.V. if they so desired. It wasn’t much of a scene, but it did showcase that particular medic’s sense of humor and bravery in the face of a hellish in-progress battle, so for that, he got the opening nod today.

9. Greg Travis as Net Correspondent from Starship Troopers (1997)

Another example of a brief yet memorable appearance, the Net Correspondent (Greg Travis) in Starship Troopers didn’t fire a shot, and might have only effected the events by televising just how intensely fucked up things were going for humanity. But boy howdy, did this guy leave a mark (and not just physically by way of getting smeared all over the canyon where he died)! The newsman was with the first wave of human invaders in their assault on the “Bug” home world when everything went to shit. Apparently, in the future, mankind will have mastered interplanetary travel, yet will not have come around to the notion that 20^th century bullet technology is far from the best ordinance for killing multisystem creatures the size of a small bus. True to his position as a journalist, not a soldier, the Net Correspondent at the beginning (and again when the flashback catches up to real-time in the middle) was in the heart of the battle to observe, not participate. The guy was in the thick of things, and definitely got some great footage, yet he was (literally) ripped in half as a result. A damn fine observer who fell in the line of duty, this guy would have inched a little higher in the ranking if Starship Troopers had bothered to give him a little more screen-time…or a name.

8. James Lancaster as Lt. Col. Arthur Freemantle from Gettysburg (1993) 

This one is actually kind of cool. Lt. Col. Arthur Freemantle (James Lancaster) was a real-life historical figure who just up and decided to go to the U.S. during the latter portion of its Civil War for no other reason than simple curiosity. British, and a professional soldier by trade, Freemantle asked and received permission to take a sabbatical so that he might tour portions of the Confederacy and Union during hostilities. By the time he made his way to Gettysburg, PA Freemantle had fallen in with Confederate General James Longstreet, General Robert E. Lee’s chief lieutenant. During the three-day battle in Pennsylvania, perhaps the most decisive trio of days in American history, Freemantle had a front-row seat to the action on the Confederate side: an amazing turn of events that the film Gettysburg worked into its script. A non-combatant who was there strictly to observe, Freemantle (inaccurately dressed in his red uniform in the movie) got a good look at the terrible might of the Union, as well as the gallant, albeit ill-conceived, spirit of the Confederacy. After his tour of both the north and south, Freemantle returned to England and later wrote a memoir detailing his journey from Texas to New York during the Civil War. History has rarely afforded future generations as intimate a look at a decisive battle like Gettysburg with a primary source as well-placed as Freemantle. Although it only partially comes off as such in Gettysburg the film, the fact that the filmmakers included him goes a long way in affirming his lasting importance. For that, he snuck in at #8, just behind…

7. The Monks in Braveheart (1995) 

Just a couple quick words about these guys, because they were only in the film for a handful of seconds, and never got any backstory outside of what was seen onscreen. Braveheart might not have done a lot to advance the cause of historical representations in film (medieval European scholars are still apoplectic about the kilts in this picture), yet it did get one thing right: the battlefield carnage. A more learned person than your humble author might even quibble with the battlefield tactics portrayed in Braveheart, yet even they would likely admit that the sheer carnage on display in the movie’s infantry and cavalry clashes captured the true spirit of the era. Fighting exclusively with arrows and edged weapons was a nasty affair, and the aftermath of such an engagement would not have been a pretty sight to behold. Never one to shy away from cinematic brutality, actor/director Mel Gibson really leaned into the battle scenes of Stirling and Falkrik, and provided all the decapitations, limb removals, and old-fashioned stabbing/slashing a person could reasonably expect. Near the end of the Battle of Stirling, Gibson provided a few shots of monks carrying victims off the field: a noble task to be sure. This was at a time when a few soldiers were still scrapping, so it wasn’t a small feat by any means to get into the middle of the fray to administer first aid! Sure, it was only a few seconds of coverage, but the fact that Gibson included these shots rounded out the cinematic reality of the moment a bit, and gave way to a very practical consideration: after that much carnage, SOMEONE would have had to clean up! Respect.

6. Alexander Niver as Gould from Saints and Soldiers (2003) 

A somewhat cliché and hackneyed war film, sure: yet Saints and Soldiers still managed to overcome the sometimes-oppressive religious subtext woven into it to offer a decent movie. The film told the story of a small squad of American troops caught behind the lines during WWII’s Battle of the Bulge. The group of G.I.’s, which included a medic named Gould (Alexander Niver), ran into a British pilot with some valuable recon intel., which forced the squad to move towards friendly lines rather than just stay put and wait for reinforcements. This put the group into contact with Germans in the area, and despite the obvious necessity of deadly force, arguments arose among the soldiers about whether they actually HAD to kill the unfriendlies they came across. Surprisingly, Gould was one of the most outspoken advocates for a kill-first-ask-questions-later policy, yet the deeply Mormon Corporal “Deacon” Greer lobbied for mercy wherever possible. As the film progressed, a cat and mouse game of hide and seek played out between the Axis and Allied forces, which saw several members of the friendly squad killed, Deacon included. This seemed to be enough to turn the staunchly atheist Gould around, and back to God, yet as a medic, he didn’t turn as big of a corner. His skills in this regard were rarely put to the test, yet to be fair, he did survive the ordeal, and for a medic during the Battle of the Bulge, that was a hell of an accomplishment. If only for that, he snagged the #6 spot today.

5. Barry Pepper as Joe Galloway from We Were Soldiers (2002) 

“I’m a non-combatant!”

“Ain’t no such thing today.”

We Were Soldiers wasn’t directed by Gibson, but it sure as hell had him front and center, and sported many of the man’s cinematic hallmarks. Directed by Braveheart scribe Randall Wallace, We Were Soldiers had much of the same visceral, bloody, cutting action that his and Gibson’s Scottish epic became notorious for, yet in a Vietnam setting that allowed for more explosions. It told the story of the U.S. Army’s first big clash with N.V.A. forces in the La Drang Valley in 1965, with Gibson playing real-life bad-ass Lt. Col. Hal Moore. During Moore and his 7^th Cavalry’s fight in the valley, reporter Joe Galloway (Barry Pepper) did his best to take pictures and make sense of it all. As the movie endeavored to demonstrate, the La Drang Valley at this time was not the most inviting place for human beings, especially ones without a helmet and assault rifle. Soldiers on both sides of the engagement dropped like flies in an unholy orgy of machine gun fire, artillery rounds, and napalm, yet Joe hung in there to the point that a camera of his was actually shot out of his hands. During one of the battle’s tipping points, Galloway even picked up a rifle to defend himself as the command post area he occupied got overrun by enemy forces. It was for this reason that Galloway slipped so far to #5 in today’s ranking, for he did, even if only for a brief moment, take up arms in a hostile environment. It was a short-lived diversion, however, for Galloway realized after this close call that he was serving the soldiers around him better as a reporter than a soldier. An even-keeled observer with balls the size of tractor tires, Galloway nearly edged out this next character, who was (somehow) in an environment even more terrifying…

4. Paul Bettany as Dr. Stephen Maturin from Master and Commander (2003) 

Another observer who was reluctantly pulled into the shit, Dr. Maturin (Paul Bettany) from Master and Commander could similarly boast that he had done more healing than harm. The ship surgeon of the HMS Surprise, Maturin served under brash, stubborn, daring, and brilliant Captain Aubrey (Russell Crowe). Knee-deep in the Napoleonic Wars of the early 19^th century, loyal Captain Aubrey cruised around South America, looking for French prizes. The rub was that the French were likewise on the hunt for English vessels just like Aubrey’s, and depending on who got the drop on whom, things could devolve for one side quickly. For Maturin, this meant busy days and nights in his cramped surgery cabin, where sand had to be thrown down to soak up the blood pooling up at the good doctor’s feet. His only help in this nightmarish aquatic drama was a shaky assistant who knew about as much about medicine as one of the salty deckhands above, which is why when Maturin went and got himself shot by accident, it was Maturin who had to do the surgery. Yeah, you heard that right: the guy cut into his own gut to dig a bullet out of there. The fact that this dude was able to save anyone, let alone himself, on a floating collection of germ-soaked planks, ropes, and weathered sails was a miracle. The only thing that kept him from inching higher on the list was the fact that he went to his sword when the fighting got hot, which was something of a betrayal of his profession. Bad-ass though he may have been, Dr. Maturin fell in behind this next character, who was admittedly more committed to the non-combatant ethos of his station…

3. Giovanni Ribisi as T-4 Medic Wade from Saving Private Ryan (1998) 

The emotional core of his small squad, T-4 Medic Wade (Giovanni Ribisi) was as valued amongst his comrades as anyone with a rifle or revolver. In Saving Private Ryan, Wade and his Ranger unit landed on Omaha Beach on June 6^th, 1944, got shot all to hell, then drew a short-straw assignment to find and secure a friendly paratrooper behind enemy lines. As scared of dying as anyone else, Wade nevertheless put himself into the shit on numerous occasions in the performance of his duties, whether it was assisting with surgery on Omaha Beach, or fighting against the restraining pull of his sergeant to get to a fallen comrade. Wade’s insistence on being up front, alongside the men he hoped to patch up if needed ultimately led to his death when a German machine gun nest put a slug through his liver. Cursed with the knowledge that his wound was indeed serious, Wade could only beg his brothers in arms to put him out of his misery via an extra couple shots of morphine. It was a tough scene to watch, and proved that everyone, even the bravest, trembles in the face of death. Yet as tough a day as Wade had in Normandy, and as nerve-wracking as his long walk through the French countryside was, it couldn’t hope to compare to the weeks of sustained hell that the next Navy Corpsman endured on a volcanic wasteland called Iwo Jima…

2. Ryan Philippe as Corpsman John Bradley from Flags of Our Fathers (2006) 

Clint Eastwood’s two-part exploration of the Battle of Iwo Jima succeeded in humanizing both sides of the battle: a rare thing for any war flick. Indeed, while Letters From Iwo Jima showed how scared yet determined the Japanese defenders were, Flags of Our Fathers was no less successful in its thoughtful portrayal of the American troops ordered to take the island. The latter picture focused on not just the battle, however, but also the emotional toll it took on those who fought it, with a special focus on the men celebrated for Iwo Jima’s iconic flag-raising photograph. Corpsman John Bradley (Ryan Philippe) was one of these soldiers, and Flags of Our Fathers did a damn fine job fleshing out the psychological toll a label like “hero” can have on any surviving soldier humbled or embarrassed by such a distinction. For Bradley’s own part, although the real-life soldier may have indeed felt this way, his actions during the Battle of Iwo Jima never warranted such shame. As the movie showed, Bradley courageously charged into some of the most brutal fighting the world has ever known to help save lives, and was wounded and taken off the line only after weeks of savage, desperate, merciless action. As brave as anyone listed today, Bradley just barely missed out on the #1 spot, held down by a doctor who has become synonymous with compassion in the face of cruelty…

1. Donald Sutherland as Benjamin “Hawkeye” Pierce from M*A*S*H (1970)

If going on nothing but volume, Benjamin “Hawkeye” Pierce (Donald Sutherland) from M*A*S*H had everyone on today’s ranking licked. A front-line surgeon who (literally) held the lives of hundreds in his hands, Hawkeye pulled long shifts that would make most people collapse, yet never lost sight of his duty to snatch as many soldiers back from the brink as possible. A scamp and rapscallion, to be sure, Hawkeye seemed to understand that humor and levity were crucial components to his survival. To absorb the grotesque and macabre particulars of his universe would have been his undoing, thus the man endeavored to keep things light when not elbow-deep in some poor trooper’s guts. This meant pranks, sex, drinking, altruistic errands, and golf in between daylong surgery sessions. Although the television version of Robert Altman’s film delved deeper into Hawkeye’s staunchly pacifist outlook, the film did a fine job laying the groundwork for a man in uniform who held life, not death, above all else. Both the movie and the T.V. show succeeded in creating a timeless character whose archetype still endures. A peaceful man caught in the middle of a war who wanted nothing more than to be somewhere else: he did his job, and did it well. Countless lives endured as a result, and for that, the character slid in at #1 today.

There are a million lists on the Internet ranking the movies in the MCU (or Marvel Cinematic Universe). Basically, this means movies that have actually been distributed by Marvel Studios and are connected to the world of the Avengers in one way or another. To make this list a little different, I’m going to expand the meaning of “Marvel movie” to include not just MCU films but also Marvel TV shows and the numerous movies about Marvel characters that we’ve seen distributed by other studios.

Here we go.

10. Thor

Some have ranked 2011’s Thor in the top-five MCU projects, so placement in the top-10 of all Marvel cinema seems warranted. It’s fair to say no one quite knew what to expect before Chris Hemsworth brought a Norse god to life in a superhero movie. But the hysterical, wonderfully self-aware result was better than most probably expected. And Hemsworth may fit his role better than any other actor who’s worked with Marvel.

9. Guardians Of The Galaxy

If Thor was unexpectedly funny, Guardians Of The Galaxy was a riot. Chris Pratt was hailed in the lead up to this movie’s release as something of a comic Indiana Jones for a modern era, and that’s not a bad description of what we saw on screen. Pratt and the film as a whole seemed to parody Indiana Jones, Star Wars, and The Avengers all at once, and more than anything it was nice to see Marvel taking itself lightly.

8. Punisher: War Zone

Distributed by Lionsgate not long after Iron Man kicked off the MCU in 2008, Punisher: War Zone just wasn’t watched by that many people. It’s since been utterly left in the past, except for one piece of media: an online slot arcade that’s been described as a chance to fight injustice with one of Marvel’s best additions. That game remains playable online, and recalls the film with some pretty impressive graphic backdrops to the slot reels. But the movie itself? It remains little known despite Ray Stevenson’s excellent take on Marvel’s most brutal antihero. Give this one a chance. It’s not very “Marvel-y” but it’s horribly underrated as an action flick.

7. Jessica Jones

The second of several planned collaborations between Marvel and Netflix (after Daredevil), Jessica Jones is a series, and one of the best Marvel projects of any kind we’ve seen so far. Like Punisher: War Zone, this series shows the darker side of superhero fiction, albeit in a less bloodthirsty manner. Really, it’s a psychological thriller that’s not afraid to get genuinely creepy. And Krysten Ritter’s performance in the titular role is top-notch.

6. Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Anthony Mackie, who plays Falcon in Avengers movies, recently said that the upcoming Captain America: Civil War will be Marvel’s best film and could earn Oscar nominations. We’ll see about that this spring, but in the meantime the film’s immediate predecessor, The Winter Soldier, already stands as one of the best MCU movies. Call it the movie that re-humanized some of Marvel’s central characters after The Avengers made everything a little too super.

5. The Avengers

Yes, I just criticized The Avengers a bit, but credit where credit’s due: it was an extremely tall order for director Joss Whedon to pool together four big screen superheroes in a single ensemble film. Yet that’s just what he pulled off without any sense of confusion or clutter. The Avengers is probably the most impactful Marvel film we’ve seen yet, taking the studio to new heights, inspiring games from LEGO console adventures to casino titles not unlike the aforementioned Punisher game, and even earning its own sequel despite sprouting from other projects. Not putting it in the top-five just wouldn’t seem right.

4. Spider-Man 2

Really, it’s just about a pick ’em between Sam Raimi’s first two Spider-Man movies. Spider-Man was a little cheesy, but it was pretty much the archetypical origin story and had a great comic book feel to it. Spider-Man 2 ranks even higher for yours truly simply because it seamlessly maintained the enjoyable atmosphere of its predecessor and improved upon it from an action standpoint. This movie still stands as one of the best sequels we’ve ever seen.

3. Deadpool

Maybe you thought you knew what to expect from reading Deadpool comics or understanding the bizarre nature of the character. Perhaps you thought you got the gist after playing the Activision game for Xbox One. Or maybe the huge publicity campaign that ran for months had you thinking you pretty much knew how this movie would go. But if you’ve seen Deadpool (it’s currently in theaters and earning rave reviews), you know it’s unlike anything anyone expected. Even more than Guardians Of The Galaxy, this is a straight-up comedy, not to mention an R-rated version of Marvel heroics. And the irreverent, obnoxious role fits Ryan Reynolds like a glove.

2. X-Men: First Class

The follow-up, Days Of Future Past, seemed to get the most attention, but I’d rank director Matthew Vaughn’s work in First Class among the best in Marvel cinema. To take a franchise that had existed for over a decade and essentially reboot it with a new cast of young actors depicting a prequel saga was a bold move, and the execution is a whole lot of fun. For my money, James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender pulled off the improbable in trumping the work of Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen as Professor X and Magneto, respectively. And while the finale gets a little campy, the journey there is flawless.

1. Iron Man

It’s the film that launched the MCU, and it’s probably still the most well-rounded and enjoyable one of the bunch. Robert Downey, Jr.’s emergence as Tony Stark was pure fun and gave droves of fans a hero to latch onto for what’s now been nearly a decade. This movie also did a better job than most of telling a superhero story that focused on origins but was still compelling.

Director Robert Eggers’ The Witch opens in wide release this week, so it seems as good a time as any to get down to the serious business of ranking witches in film. Long before films, the dramatic “witch” trope knew endless variations through practically every storytelling medium from literature to simple oral tradition. The embodiment of female empowerment in maybe its strongest form outside of a deity, the witch plays on a number of fears within any patriarchal society. These women have no use of men in most incarnations, and balance out any physical disadvantage with their intelligence, ruthlessness, and mastery of the black arts. This last talent can render any person, male or female, powerless at the hands of an experienced, motivated witch, who might use their power in a passive manner (i.e., future foresight), or in a more direct fashion (like turning someone into a toad).

Today’s list honored the most memorable and formidable witches in movie history, and ranked the candidates based on their standing within the cinematic pantheon of spell-casters, along with their power and/or mystical prowess. In other words, what this list was concerned with was the size of the splash the witch in question made in movie history combined with an examination of how powerful and influential they were within the flick in question. So, if a movie gave its audience a witch that had powers enough to move the main characters and the plot in a significant way, but also established the witch as a lasting icon within the cinematic trope, then it got a good look below. To be considered, the character had to have been referred to as a witch in the movie, and not just some sorceress or conjurer. For example, Queen Bavmorda in Willow was a mean bitch, and a master of the dark arts, but she was less of a witch and more of a queen/female wizard. The same goes for pretty much everyone in Harry Potter (i.e., Bellatrix Lestrange), and for Maleficent. As always, feel free to gripe about anyone left out of the ranking below. There were a few close calls from films like Into the Woods, The Last Witch Hunter, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, Four Rooms, Practical Magic, Mirror Mirror, and The Craft, all of which had entirely qualified candidates that just missed out on a spot over…

10. Mortianna from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)

The 1980s were a tough time for witches in cinema, which made the prominent appearance of Mortianna (Geraldine McEwan) in 1991’s Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, all the more striking. Kevin Costner starred as the title character, who sported an evasive accent and a receding hairline in the early 90s reboot of the literary legend Fairbanks and Flynn made movie-famous. In the 1991 version, Costner’s Robin had just returned from The Crusades when he stumbled upon a power-play to usurp the King of England. The Sheriff of Nottingham (Alan Rickman at his best) was the man behind this scheme, and took council with a local witch, Mortianna. Using spit, blood, bones, and whatever black magic she had up her sleeve, Mortianna seemed capable of peeking into the future, which indicated that her powers were indeed real. That said, when the shit hit the fan she was also more than willing to pick up a spear and charge at whoever the hell was in her way, something Robin’s right-hand-man, Azeem (Morgan Freeman), learned about first-hand. Although it was a supporting role, Mortianna had a heavy hand in pushing the events of the film forward, and as mentioned before, she did seem to have actual powers. The mega-success of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves also seemed to rattle Hollywood out of their witch complacency, something this next picture, released just a few years later, proved out in spades…

9. Winifred Sanderson from Hocus Pocus (1993)

A mere trifle at the box office when it was released, Hocus Pocus has since gained quite the cult following due to its family-friendly pedigree, and high rental and network T.V. visibility. For a generation of 90s kids, this film served as the anchor to any number of movie marathon lineups for sleepovers and/or Halloween parties, and has endured in the hearts and memories of countless adults as a result. In Hocus Pocus, Bette Midler played Winifred Sanderson, one of three 17^th century Salem witches that returned to their stomping ground roughly 300 years after falling victim to a curse. They were woken up after some kids lit a black flame candle, and proceeded to terrorize the small New England town on Halloween. As far as powers went, Winifred definitely sported some serious Kung-Fu, especially when she had her book of spells handy. She wasn’t above raising the dead, sucking out souls, or even hypnotizing a crowd of people via song. And while the film itself is only a couple decades old now, as previously mentioned, its pervasive presence on video and T.V. set the tone for all movie witches as far as Generation X was/is concerned. Still, the 90s didn’t completely resurrect the witch trope, for at least one Hollywood 80s movie kept the theme going…

8. 3-Way Tie: Alex, Jane, and Sukie from The Witches of Eastwick (1987)

An exploration of witches sorting out their powers for the first time, The Witches of Eastwick did what so few movies are able to pull off: it made black magic and evil fun! The film focused on three adult friends in a small Rhode Island town, all of whom got involved with a mysterious stranger new to the area. Not long after Daryl Van Horne (Jack Nicholson) moved to town, the guy started mixing shit up: which just happened to coincide with some latent witch powers bubbling up to the surface. The guy made a move to buy the biggest king-shit mansion in the area right off the bat, then started making his presence known to pretty much everyone by making a spectacle at a local concert. Right around this time, the three friends, Alex (Cher), Jane (Susan Sarandon), and Sukie (Michelle Pfeiffer) realized that they could fight evil with evil, and officially established a coven to combat the evil Van Horne. As witches, they are woefully short on experience, however, and actually did more harm than good when they first started casting spells. Eventually, the three got their acts together, and constructed a voodoo doll in Van Horne’s image to torment the prick. And while that worked, it didn’t exactly get all the evil out of their lives. Still, as witches in the modern age, they certainly did classic work in their field, and while they may have been far more beautiful than the expected stereotype, they definitely fit the mold.

7. The White Witch from The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe (2005)

Is there anything Tilda Swindon can’t do? Seriously, despite the fact that her White Witch from The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe didn’t ride a broom, wear black, or conform to any of the other tropes of the genre, she straight-up OWNED the role. In the film, The White Witch ruled Narnia, a mystical realm accessible only to those with connections to an obscure 1940s British closet. Although her powers were vast, and included the ability to control legions of talking wolves, she didn’t have the vice-grip on Narnia that she desired. Sure, she could turn creatures to stone with nothing more than a touch, yet some goofy-ass prophecy involving Adam and Eve kept her ever-vigilant about usurpers. When four British kids stumbled into her hood, The White Witch was understandably concerned, and did what she could to trick the little urchins into slipping into their own nooses. Unfortunately for the witch, a talking lion got involved, and was able to rally the kids and the other inhabitants of Narnia into a coalition hell-bent on overthrowing their oppressor. This they did with a little magic of their own, not to mention an assist from the lion, who boldly went after the White Witch’s wand. In the end, Narnia was returned to its happier, peaceful state, and the White Witch was put down. Had Narnia been staffed with an army of witches, though, things might have gone a little differently…

6. The Grand High Witch from The Witches (1990)

Although the Roald Dahl book upon which it is based is far more famous, people shouldn’t discount the 1990 film adaptation, which took one of Dahl’s darkest stories, and ran with it. The Witches took place in an alternate reality where children were perpetually at risk of capture and consumption at the hands of a global syndicate of witches hell-bent on eliminating or otherwise marginalizing the kids of the world. The hero of the story, Luke (Jasen Fisher), learned of the true nature of the world’s witches from his grandma, who taught Luke how to spot the evil hags in disguise (the witches wore wigs and masks to hide their twisted, ugly faces). As luck would have it, Luke and his grandma were vacationing at a seaside resort used by the witches for their annual meeting, which Luke accidentally witnessed. Luke learned that The Grand High Witch (Anjelica Huston) had formulated a plan to poison all the children of the world with a potion that would turn them into rats! Although poisoned himself, Luke managed to escape a squashing, dodge The Grand High Witch’s guard cat, and informed his grandmother of the plot. As far as The Grand High Witch herself, she fit all the classic tropes (ugly, mean, magical, cat sidekick, etc.), and had enough power to keep her enemies in check (mostly). Now, had she inflicted a bit more carnage, or been in a movie more people had seen, she might have edged out…

5. Helena Markos from Suspiria (1977)

Routinely placed in the top 10 all-time favorite films of cinema’s most celebrated directors, Suspiria is like the Velvet Underground of horror films. Sure, Suspiria might not have set many records at the box office when it first came out, and it is challenging art, to be sure: yet countless filmmakers saw it and were inspired to new heights. The flick told the story of young ballerina Suzy Bannion (Jessica Harper), who went to Germany to attend a well-regarded dance academy. Once there, Suzy began to suspect that something off was afoot at the academy, as random fainting, ghostly footsteps, and straight-up weird-ass behavior was apparently the norm. After a while, the people running the academy insisted that Suzy go on a wine diet, which honestly was the most normal thing to happen during the course of the picture. You see, it turned out that the academy was really a disguised coven led by Helena Markos (Lela Svasta), the queen-bee witch of the joint, who wasn’t above making maggots rain from the ceiling, or inspiring dogs to go crazy and rip innocent throats out. Markos also seemed to enjoy an H.H. Holmes level of perversion when it came to murder-traps in her witch mansion, which included a razor-wire torture room. Though not a classically inspired witch from a visual standpoint, Markos’ powers all checked out, and as a film, Suspiria set a pretty high bar for hundreds of filmmakers to follow. For that, it clocked in at #5, just behind…

4. The Blair Witch from The Blair Witch Project (1999)

Make no mistake about it: this one was huge. The “Found-Footage” movie genre as we know it today more or less began with The Blair Witch Project, and we’re still seeing the effects this splash had on today’s cinematic landscape. And while Cannibal Holocaust did predate The Blair Witch Project, the former picture had a minimal impact on the horror genre by comparison, to say nothing of the fact that it was woefully understaffed in the witch department. That was certainly not the case for 1999’s most successful thriller, which followed three independent filmmakers into the woods as they searched for the fabled Blair Witch of Burkittsville, Maryland. The witch in question was supposedly the immortal spirit of Elly Kedward, a woman who had been driven out of Burkittsville just over two hundred years before the events of the film. Once in the woods, the three filmmakers suffered through a steady, building tide of harassment from the Blair Witch, which started with a little psychological warfare (cairns, the bending of space-time to keep them all lost), to outright physical assault (poor, poor Josh). It all climaxed into a terrifying whirlwind of screaming and homicide in a remote cabin in the woods, where the Blair Witch presumably used her powers to draw her prey in, and then eliminated them one by one. And while the audience never got a good look at the bitch, the Blair Witch’s presence and power were never in question. Thus, because her powers were so striking, and because The Blair Witch Project served as the unofficial zenith of the 1990s witch renaissance, this one slid in at #4.

3. 3-Way Tie: The Three Witches from Macbeth (1948/1971/2015)

One of the earliest if not most famous appearance of witches in popular fiction, the prognosticators in Shakespeare’s Macbeth set a standard that has influenced all incarnations that followed. In the play and film adaptations of Macbeth, the three witches were the driving force behind the events of the story, as they informed loyal soldier Macbeth early on that he would gain a lordship, and then the throne of Scotland itself. This premonition intrigued Macbeth and his wife, and stoked an unhealthy ambition in them that led to regicide. Unable to quell the feelings of guilt within, Macbeth and his wife started to go mad, and encouraged the former to seek out the witches again for more advice. Cryptic and clever, the witches gave another set of premonitions about the future, all of which came true despite the seemingly impossible nature of their claims on the surface. And while they did seem to sport some magical abilities to appear and disappear at will, the witches in Shakespeare’s yarn demonstrated most of their power via their ability to see into the future, a formidable power, to be sure. Powerful, important to the story, classically rendered, and legends within the witch community, the trio from Macbeth just barely missed out on the runner-up position, held down by another classic spell-caster…

2. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)

Word is that Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs was one of Hitler’s favorite movies, which says a hell of a lot about the main villain! Seriously, if maybe the most vile human in recorded history got down with this one, well…shit, what else can you say about the level of cruelty and malice involved? In the film, the evil Queen used her magic to force some poor possessed mirror to tell her who was, “the fairest one of all.” The Queen more or less had a stranglehold on the title for a hot minute, bet when Snow White came of age, the evil bitch was dethroned. A murder plot followed, along with some trickery involving a fake heart, the result of which was Snow White’s exile into a mystical woodland preserve of sorts, where seven dwarfs befriended and looked after her. The Queen wasn’t just murderous and mean, however, she was also a witch, and took on the classic old hag form to see that Snow White got fucking got once and for all. To this end she poisoned an apple with a heavy sleeping spell (classic witch move), and finally got Snow White behind the Eight Ball. The dwarfs and a dash of true love eventually saved the day, yet but not for that, Snow White would have slept eternal because of that witchy Queen. Had that classic Disney villain been just a bit more into the traditional witch iconography, she might have beat out the gold standard and #1 today…

1. The Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz (1939)

Let’s see, here…pointy hat? Check. Rode a broomstick? Check. Green skin, long nose, and needle-like fingers? Check. Yep, The Wicked Witch of the West (Margaret Hamilton) in The Wizard of Oz was everything a witch should be, at least to modern audiences that were raised on the classic trope this character established. She was cruel, pushy, sadistic, magic-strong, and the bull-moose big shot of Oz, her realm. Shit, even the fabled Wizard didn’t dare face off against the Witch of the West, and instead chose to send some doe-eyed Kansas farm girl off to confront the bitchy tyrant (presumably as some kind of murder-offering). As far as today’s criteria, it’s hard to argue against Ms. Hamilton’s classic portrayal, for as just mentioned, her look, demeanor, and capabilities have all come to define what modern audiences expect from a classic movie witch. When Dorothy (Judy Garland) landed in Oz, The Wicked Witch of the West was in her grill in no time, and made it clear that the recently-inherited Ruby Red slippers were gonna be the Witch’s one way or another. To this end, the Witch sent her hoards of flying monkeys after Dorothy and her crew, and even drugged the usurpers a little to try and see her slipper-stealing plot through. In this end, a bucket of water took the West-Witch down, however, and ended what was almost certainly a reign of terror that would be spoken about in Oz for ages. Much like the movie, The Wizard of Oz, the legend probably outlived the participants, and for that, The Wicked Witch of the West locked down today’s #1 slot. Respect.

You can’t really blame people for disliking the bulk of video game movies released. Remember Street Fighter The Movie? The movie was so terrible it left a bitter taste in the mouth of fans of the successful franchise.

Not every video game movie has been terrible, though. Some are actually quite decent considering how far technology has taken movie cinematography and effects. That said, here’s a list of the 10 most popular video game movies of all time. Some are good, some are bad, but all of them had one goal in mind: to popularize the gaming franchise no matter what.

Street Fighter The Movie

The film was an abomination. It starred Jean Claude Van Damme and Kylie Minogue. The film is quite possibly the epitome of why it’s not always such a good idea to turn video games into movies. First of all, there’s no justification to let Ryu fight in his Karate Gi during the entire movie. In addition, making Ken Masters a “con artist” in the movie is just downright ridiculous. The fight scenes were terrible, too. In all honesty, Capcom should’ve never allowed Universal and Columbia Pictures to distribute the movie to theaters.

Street Fighter Assassin’s Fist

Fast forward to 2014, thank goodness someone tried to give Street Fighter a proper live action tribute. Instead of focusing on the Guile and M.Bison rivalry, which the original Street Fighter movie did, Assassin’s Fist focuses on the development of Ryu and Ken as fighters, which is the more realistic approach to a Street Fighter movie. After all, both are extremely popular characters of the franchise, and their story is much more interesting to follow given the fact that Ryu in the video game actually travels the world to find someone worthy of defeating.

Ace Attorney

For the people who played the Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney franchise, they knew just how enjoyable it was to play an undercover detective in the game. Pair this with the game’s lovable characters and what you have is an instant hit. Sadly, the movie wasn’t as enjoyable as the original games. While on 2D the game was fun to look at, in live action, the characters looked completely absurd, from the haircuts to the graffiti that popped up every time a case was solved. It didn’t do the characters justice, that’s for sure, and Capcom should’ve just used the budget to make another Ace Attorney game.

Prince of Persia

Prince of Persia is one of the few games that was transformed into a decent movie. While it didn’t capture the true personality of the mysterious Prince, Jerry Bruckheimer, the film’s producer, was able to give the character a Lawrence of Arabia-like persona. The fighting scenes could’ve been better if the movie based it on Krabi Krabong (widely believed to be The Prince’s fighting style) but nevertheless; the wonderful cinematography, costumes, and production design puts it in the same league as the Harry Potter and the many Percy Jackson movies.

Mortal Kombat The Movie

Ah, the Mortal Kombat movie. If only the original Street Fighter movie had taken a few pointers from this enjoyable take on the video game.

Mortal Kombat The Movie may not have been the perfect adaptation but it was definitely heaps better than Street Fighter. That’s because Mortal Kombat didn’t deviate from the video game’s canon. What it did was stick to it: a tournament setup where some of the world’s best warriors fought to the death. The result was a movie with a simple plot and wonderful fighting scenes and s soundtrack to die for – which is what Mortal Kombat is all about.

Wreck it Ralph

Ok, this one’s the other way around but it deserves a spot in this list because everything about Wreck it Ralph is perfect. It was a movie first before it became a video game but it did so well on both accounts. Wreck it Ralph‘s game was released as a casual game on mobile, and it was the correct thing to do. Mobile is the most popular entertainment platform today, and it’s thanks to advancement in Internet capabilities across the world that has made this possible, according to Gaming Realms, a software company that makes original casual titles for online consumption. Wreck it Ralph is wonderful on film, and even better as a casual gaming title. The game version of Wreck it Ralph is so addictive that it immortalizes the original film that captured the hearts of both kids and kids-at-heart.

Resident Evil Movies

These are probably some of the worst movie adaptation ever, and fans of the franchise struggle to understand how Capcom’s favorite survival horror game ended up creating three, yes three, different movies based loosely on the Resident Evil games.

First of all, the Resident Evil movies aren’t based solely on the Resident Evil games. They only used the names of protagonists and villains in order to capitalize on this highly successful franchise. Who is Alice anyway and why is the focus on her and not on Chris Redfield and Jill Valentine? Even Leon Kennedy wasn’t featured in the films. Paul W.S. Anderson completely butchered the Resident Evil franchise and this movie is the clearest reason why directors who don’t even know a thing about video game titles should never turn their hands to movies.

Max Payne

The thing with video games is that most of them shouldn’t be taken too seriously. Max Payne the movie would’ve been better if it went down the same route as a film like Die Hard. After all, the game incorporated moves that were taken directly out of the pages of Hong Kong action flicks directed by John Woo. The Max Payne movie is so serious it makes classic gangster noir films look like comedies.

Tomb Raider

There are many things that Tomb Raider managed to execute well, making it a shining example of how video game movies should be made. First of all, Angelina Jolie is the perfect actress to play Lara Croft as not only does she nail the physique of Lara but she’s also has the femme fatale’s brains and charm. Tomb Raider’s plot is also within the video game’s scope, making the movie a great film to watch even if the viewer hadn’t played the game beforehand.

Hitman 

Hitman is a successful movie port, which is largely thanks to Timothy Olyphant’s acting. Just like with Tomb Raider, Olyphant nails Agent 47’s stoic pragmatism. He’s cold, professional, and is willing to kill anyone on contract. The storyline is good, too, making Hitman a good movie to watch and replay over and over again.

Today’s Top 10 comes from longtime Scene-Stealers community member and writer Will Dawson, who blogs at willwritesaboutmovies. Take it away, Will:

The world lost an icon when David Bowie passed away from cancer last Monday at the age of 69. Like many, I am a huge fan of Bowie’s music work; I even own all of his albums and one of the best concert experiences of my life was seeing David Bowie perform his last show in Detroit on the Reality Tour in 2004. He did a three-hour set and his first encore was just as long as his regular show! Suffice it to say when I found out he died I was a shocked and saddened, but also glad that he created a monumental lifetime of music that will always remain with us.

While his music is certainly great, the focus of this Top 10 list is on Bowie’s film output. While it is true that he did not make a lot of films compared to say other musicians like Frank Sinatra or Elvis Presley, he did prove to be a memorable actor and screen presence in the movies he appeared in. Perhaps this was due to playing “characters” in his musical life or his knack for being a good showman, but he really knew how to act on film and give compelling performances, even in movies that were not so great. For this list, the movie in question had to be a dramatic film (so no documentaries like the filmed version of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars: The Movie) and also had to be a feature (Bowie starred in a lot of short experimental films that are worth checking out, especially The Image, but for the sake of argument, we are sticking to feature films).

10. Agent Phillip Jeffries in “Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me” (1992)

Sure this only amounts to a cameo, but what a great cameo it is. Special Agent Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan) begins to tell his boss Gordon (David Lynch) about a dream he had: after being missing for two years, Agent Phillip Jeffries stumbles into Gordon’s office and describes how he has been to weird places, before he disappears again. I think what makes the role great is the fact that such an inconsequential and weird part was played by Bowie and that he does a really great southern accent, making sure that his screen time is well spent. As for the movie, if you are really into Twin Peaks I say go watch it, if not skip it.

9. David Bowie in “Zoolander” (2001)

Another cameo, but a great one at that, Bowie’s role in this one is to serve as a referee to an underground fashion walk off between Zoolander (Ben Stiller) and Hansel (Owen Wilson). The reason this is great because who better than David Bowie to judge an underground fashion walk off. The fact that he does not phone in the cameo makes it wonderful too.

8. Pontius Pilate in “The Last Temptation of Christ” (1988)

A small role, but a pivotal one, Bowie portrays one of history’s most infamous characters and brings a humanized nuance to the role. Bowie’s Pilate is not so much an evil man willing to kill Jesus, but one that is more bureaucratic and more concerned about trying to keep social order between Rome and the Jews. Bowie also brings a tinge of cynicism to Pilate’s performance: He has seen people like Jesus (Willem Dafoe) preach about love before and it does not matter what the message is because everyone will end up the same.

7. John Blaylock in “The Hunger” (1983)

Now we are getting into the meat of Bowie’s filmography. Serving as Tony Scott’s film debut and perhaps best known today for having a sex scene between an in their primes Catherine Deneuve and Susan Sarandon, The Hunger is an interesting Vampire movie that certainly paved the way for the whole “vampires are sexy” subgenre. While I do appreciate a decently filmed sex scene (seriously, this might be the best one ever put on film), it is Bowie’s performance that really makes the movie memorable. As the husband and fellow vampire of Catherine Deneuve’s character Miriam, John hunts with Miriam for blood in the streets of New York in the early 1980s. When it turns out however that John will age rapidly due to being a vampire, he becomes a disfigured old man that attacks a friendly little girl and is put into a coffin while hauntingly saying “Kiss me…”. It is true that The Hunger can be over-the-top and kind of ridiculous, but Bowie’s turn as the dying John injects humanity to an otherwise humanless role as a vampire.

6. Andy Warhol in “Basquiat” (1996)

Another great role from Bowie, this one as the immortal artist Andy Warhol in the biopic of artist Jean-Michel Basquiat. Bowie is really spot-on as Warhol, providing the appropriate amount of imitation. For this role, it would have been easy for the actor to be really hamming it up, but instead portrays Warhol with a certain kind of restraint and even compassion. The relationship between Warhol and the young Basquiat (Jeffrey Wright) is also touching. In addition to Bowie the cast also features Gary Oldman, Dennis Hopper, Benicio Del Toro, Parker Posey, Christopher Walken, Willem Dafoe, Tatum O’Neal, Courtney Love, and numerous others.

5. Vendice Penters in “Absolute Beginners” (1986)

Is Absolute Beginners convoluted? Yes. Did it nearly bankrupt the British film industry? Yes; but, I love it anyway. This movie is in the “ridiculously bad its great” variety of alongside other stalwarts like Newsies, Rocky Horror Picture Show or The Room. The story (which has barely any relation to the Colin MacInnes’ novel on which it’s based) deals with youths in late 1950s London. Did I also mention that it is a musical? Bowie portrays Vendice Penters, a self-made man who acts as sort of the antagonist for the proceedings. Bowie portrays this part for all its worth a good dose of camp, and the hallmark is definitely is when he starts dancing on a giant typewriter (see video below). Bowie also did the title song for the movie, which ranks among some of his best work. In addition to Bowie, the musical performances also feature Ray Davies, Sade, and the Style Council. Fun fact: Bowie also had a hit with the title song.

4. Jareth the Goblin King in “Labyrinth” (1986)

Perhaps Bowie’s best known acting role, Labyrinth has become a major cult classic and many people know Bowie just from this role. The story is about teenage Sarah Williams (Jennifer Connelly) who has to go into a Labyrinth and has to save her baby brother from the Goblin King (Bowie). While the movie is pretty campy, it features great visuals from director Jim Henson and the story is actually pretty good. Bowie makes a great bad guy too, and it seems like he really is having fun with the part. Take a look at “Dance Magic Dance” be sure to dance around the room.

3. Nikola Tesla in “The Prestige” (2006)

A movie that has been overlooked in the 10 years it came out, “The Prestige” is an amazing film and one of Christopher Nolan’s best. Featuring a great cast with Christian Bale, Hugh Jackman, Michael Caine, Rebecca Hall, Scarlett Johansson, and others, it would have been hard to stand out, but Bowie does just that with his role as real-life scientist Nikola Tesla. Like his other roles, Bowie’s portrayal of Tesla is nuanced and memorable. As Tesla, he serves as sort of a warning to Hugh Jackman’s character Danton, telling him that a man’s ambition can bring about his downfall. Seriously, check out the performance in the scene above.

2. Jack Celliers in “Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence” (1983)

The most overlooked movie in Bowie’s filmography, Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence is not a Christmas movie, but is instead a psychological POW war drama. The Mr. Lawrence in the title is actually Tom Conti, but the protagonist of the movie is Bowie as soldier Jack Celliers as he matches wits with the camp commander portrayed by Ryuchi Sakamoto; The commander is not only a sadist, but is also obsessed with Celliers and even harbors romantic feelings for him. One of the few leading roles that Bowie had, Bowie makes the most of his opportunity portraying Celliers as someone who is not only trying to survive the POW camp, but also someone who realizes the hypocrisies of war. While the movie was unavailable for many years, The Criterion Collection has released an excellent restoration of the movie on DVD, and it is definitely something to check out.

1. Thomas Jerome Newton in “The Man Who Fell to Earth” (1976)

Who else but David Bowie could play an outsider alien who is corrupted by the vices of earth? Bowie’s greatest role, and also his first, centers around Thomas Jerome Newton, an alien who has landed on Earth and is trying to bring water back to his home planet. Using alien technology to become rich, Newton ends up being betrayed by humans and ultimately by his own vices. Amazingly, this role was not written exclusively but was instead based upon an earlier novel by Walter Tevis. Its incredible because this role Bowie was born to play: that of an outsider who is trying to bring peace but is instead done in by humanity that takes advantage of him. The movie is similar to themes that are explored in Bowie’s music, especially in the Ziggy Stardust persona Bowie cultivated. The role has also proven timely and has influenced every other Alien coming to earth role ever since (think of Scarlett Johansson in Under the Skin). Overall, if there is one movie Bowie is to remembered for, it is this.

There’s an odd, weirdly cozy relationship between Christmas and crime, at least in cinema. Hollywood’s scribes churn out “holiday” films on the regular, and since conflict drives story, nefarious doings often get stirred into the plot-stew of Yuletide yarns. Today’s list ranks the various Christmas capers that have popped up in Christmas films throughout the years, and judged them based on their creativity, ultimate success, and quality of presentation. In other words, depending on how well-thought-out, successful, and entertaining a Christmas caper was, along with the quality of the movie that showcased it, the better its ranking below.

To qualify for consideration, the film and its Christmas crime had to take place on either the 24^th or 25^th of December, and in a setting that was indeed celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. It takes a proper scoundrel to exploit what is meant to be a charitable holiday rooted in notions of camaraderie and fellowship, so in the spirit of the holidays, Scene-Stealers elected to give these rogues their due. As always, if you feel a particularly fun Christmas caper was left out of today’s discussion, feel free to leave a comment below. Until then…

10. L.A. Confidential (1997)

L.A. Confidential took a number of unexpected turns throughout the course of its runtime, yet many of the events cascaded from a nasty little incident that took place at a police station on Christmas Eve. After a couple of officers got scraped up in an encounter with a handful of Hispanic suspects, word got back to the boys at the precinct, where the Christmas party was in full swing (with spiked punch a-flowin’). The assault suspects were brought into that very same station, where one of the more wobbly officers, Det. Dick Stensland (Graham Beckel), got himself and a gaggle of other officers worked up into a punching mood. Stensland led a gang of cops into the lockup area for a little payback on the perpetrators, where the officers unloaded on the Hispanic suspects with a fury that only armed public servants can fully harness.

Rotten luck fell atop the heads of these custodians of justice, however, as a couple of reporters just happened to be on hand when all hell broke loose, and, well…pictures were taken. Terminations and suspensions were handed out like candy on Halloween, thus the caper was not an especially successful one (unless measured in blood and bruises). Still, it takes a pretty big set of balls to go after incarcerated suspects in custody with newspaper men around, so for that, and the especially high quality of the film and the performances, L.A. Confidential got the opening nod.

9. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)  

Not so much a caper as a spur of the moment psychotic break, the assault and kidnapping that Eddie Johnson (Randy Quaid) perpetrated on Christmas Eve in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation was indeed a transgression worth mentioning today. After hosting a multi-day, multi-generational family Christmas reunion, Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) was running on fumes. His kids weren’t invested in the experience, his in-laws took every opportunity to undercut his well-intentioned efforts at holiday cheer, and his greasy cousin suddenly and unexpectedly got thrown into the mix. Critical failures at several key junctions throughout the holiday had Clark on edge, for his Christmas light display gave him endless trouble, his turkey was ruined, and a mean old bastard burned down his tree. On top of all that, Clark’s boss stiffed him on his expected Christmas bonus, which meant a pool Clark had been angling to buy would likely ruin him (financially, if not morally).

In a fit of desperation, Clark mentioned that what he really wanted for Christmas was to have his boss brought to his home so he could tell him, “what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, sack-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is!” Cousin Eddie obliged, and kidnapped Clark’s boss, which brought a S.W.A.T. team down on Clark’s house. Thus, it wasn’t exactly a sophisticated or even successful caper, yet it did take place in a modern holiday classic, and everyone got off in the end, and got their just rewards. For that, this one slid in at #9.

8. Trading Places (1983)  

When you take away a man’s home, job, beloved, and dignity, all that’s left is a desperate, dangerous shell of a person. That was exactly the case for Louis Winthrop III (Dan Aykroyd) in Trading Places, which told the story of two crusty old commodities brokers who wagered that a person’s success or failure was (or was not, depending on the bet) determined by social factors, and not genetics. To test their theory, they purposefully ruined one of their best employees, Louis, by framing him for a crime that saw him arrested, fired, and dumped. This scheme also financially ruined him, and forced him to shack up with a Manhattan prostitute who had a minor, indirect hand in ruining his life. Meanwhile, a hobo was plucked off the street and put in Louis’ place (Eddie Murphy at his very best), and over the course of a few weeks, each displaced man more or less assumed the identity of the other.

The shocking reversal of fortune finally drove Louis to the brink on Christmas Eve, when he dressed up like Santa, infiltrated his old company’s offices, and attempted to plant drugs in his rival’s desk. Although creative, it was a poorly conceived plan that was busted even before it got off the ground, yet it took place in one of the most beloved Christmas movies of the last half-century. If Louis had been more successful in his machinations, at any stage, this one might have beat out…

7. Home Alone (1990)  

This was a difficult one to rank, for while the “Wet Bandits” seemed fairly successful in their operations prior to running up against a pre-pubescent foil, their modus operandi didn’t exactly scream sophistication. In Home Alone, Joe Pesci played Harry, a B&E specialist who liked to pose as a cop to case houses via a direct conversation with the homeowner under the guise of checking up on their security protocols. Once Harry hashed out what kind of alarms and security features a residence had, he and his partner robbed the place after the family left for a Christmas holiday.

Although this straightforward ruse seemed profitable enough for them, the whole works went to pieces when Harry and his sidekick, Marv (Daniel Stern), encountered a young kid who had been accidentally left behind, all alone, for Christmas. This kid, Kevin (Macaulay Culkin), just happened to be a Rube Goldberg-esque genius when it came to traps designed for home defense, and fended off the would-be robbers on Christmas Eve (albeit with a little help from a friendly neighbor). Home Alone is now a holiday film staple, and while Harry and Marv weren’t exactly pulling off an intricate series of heists, they were largely successful until they ran into the world’s youngest recorded super-sadist. For that, they slid in at #7, just behind…

6. The Ice Harvest (2005)  

Stealing from the mob is always a dicey proposition, but when you throw in double and triple crosses amongst the perpetrators, you’ve got an unholy mess on your hands. In The Ice Harvest, Charlie (John Cusack) and Vic (Bill Bob Thornton) played a couple of tangential mob associates looking to make a quick Christmas Eve score. Although their plan to steal $2,000,000 from the local mob boss went off without a hitch, a sudden snowstorm rolled in and iced up the roads leading out of town. Thus, right at the time Charlie and Vic needed to put some distance between themselves and the murderous mob boss looking to flay them, they were forced to stay put and lay low.

This was especially tough on Charlie, who used this time to try and wrap up some personal business that included chasing after a stripper romance, mending ties with his children, and helping out an old friend (that happened to be married to his ex-wife). Things went off the rails when the full scope of Vic’s plan started to unfold before Charlie, who realized his partner and the stripper he was trying to screw were in cahoots and planning to put him six feet under once the opportunity presented itself. As far as the criteria of today’s list, The Ice Harvest got high marks for quality of performance and overall picture, along with the fact that as far as Charlie was concerned, the heist was indeed ultimately successful. Yet the sophistication of the script was in the double-crosses, not the caper itself, which relegated this one to #6, one spot behind this next film, where things were a tad less successful (not to mention fatal)…

5. Trapped in Paradise (1994)  

The first of two 1994 entries on today’s list, there was obviously something in the air that year which inspired Christmas-themed mischief. Trapped in Paradise told the story of the Firpo brothers, a trio of scoundrels whose morals all registered somewhere on the scale between bad and evil. Bill Firpo (Nic Cage) started the movie on the straight and narrow, yet was quickly pulled into the shenanigans of his brothers Alvin (Dana Carvey) and Dave (Jon Lovitz). Although they were on parole, Alvin and Dave convinced the half-reformed Bill to travel with them to Paradise, PA, where they planned to roll a soft country bank.

The clincher? The robbery would take place on Christmas Eve, when the bank would be at its fattest: a plan the three of them miraculously pulled off despite a tripped alarm and a high-speed chase. As far as plan complexity, the brothers didn’t exactly break new ground with their approach (ski masks, guns, strong-arm tactics), but their repeated ability to evade capture and the noose did set them apart from many of the other candidates listed today (none of the brothers went to jail, after all). Yet all the money was eventually returned, and without the passive assistance of Paradise’s townsfolk, all three Firpo brothers would have ended up in the clink for at least 10-20. Now, for a more successful robbery in an even better film out of 1994, we ought to turn to…

4. The Ref (1994)  

A hidden gem from the mid-90s, The Ref was a lot better than it had any right to be, and sported a cast of just-about-to-break stars that were all just coming into their own.  In the film, Dennis Leary played a burglar named Gus, who was putting the finishing touches on a home invasion/jewel heist on Christmas Eve when an alarm system tripped, and dumped him into the house’s basement (with the guard dog). Although he managed to get away from the house in one piece, and without handcuffs, his partner and getaway driver bailed on him and left Gus looking for an alternate escape route. This led Gus to Caroline (Judy Davis) and her husband Lloyd (Kevin Spacey), perhaps the most combative couple in North America circa 1994.

As for the heist itself, Gus did pretty well for himself considering the fact that he got the loot, escaped the scene of the crime, and eventually made it to freedom (albeit after suffering through a torturous evening of familial drama crossing several generations). Although the audience didn’t get much of a look at Gus’ prep work in advance of the job, the fact that he navigated through what appeared to be one hell of a thorny security system and got away boosted his case considerably, and put him at #4, just behind another less charming thief…

3. Bad Santa 

This was a tough one to beat, for the foundation of this film’s premise was rooted in a caper that was exclusive to Christmas, and the opportunities America’s preferred consumer-oriented holiday affords. In Bad Santa, Willie T. Stokes (Billy Bob Thornton) ran a yearly scam whereby he and his partner posed as a department store Santa and a helper elf so that they could gain easier access to shopping malls and rob them after the Christmas Eve holiday shutdown. It was a decent plan, and seemed to have served the duo well over several successful holiday seasons, yet as Bad Santa started, the audience learned that Willie’s sex addiction, alcoholism, aggressive depression, and general nastiness threatened the operation. Yet after he formed a mentorship bond with a local kid, and hooked up with a bartender harboring a fierce Santa fetish, Willie got a new lease on life, and seemed to turn a corner.

Unfortunately for him, Willie’s helper elf partner double-crossed him on the night of the mall heist, and everything went to shit. Willie eventually got off on a technicality, as everyone agreed that, “the police department shooting an unarmed Santa was even more fucked up than Rodney King.” While Bad Santa as a film was a goddamned hoot, and the caper was successful over a period of years (only to fall apart at the end), it was hardly a Swiss watch. Now our runner-up entry, it had moving parts enough that only a legendary “fly in the ointment” could have derailed it…

2. Die Hard (1988)  

As legendary as Die Hard has become over time due to the franchising of John McClane (Bruce Willis), it is easy to forget that the original caper at Nakatomi Plaza was a meticulously planned, wonderfully executed (mostly), professional operation from top to bottom. Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman) assembled a top-notch mercenary squad to infiltrate a multinational corporation after-hours on Christmas Eve, a sneaky yet brilliant plan. This was done so that the only people in the building would be staff of the chosen company they intended to rob, staff that would be needed either to crack the vault code, or act as hostages during phase two of the plan. This second phase involved getting into protracted negotiations with the L.A.P.D., who would eventually have to turn to the F.B.I., who were needed to act as a patsy for the roof explosion that would eliminate any unneeded hostages.

This in turn was meant to create chaos below for the police trying to contain the situation, and act as a diversion so that Hans, his team, and any select hostages could escape via ambulance. All this was possible because Hans had disguised his caper as a political act of terrorism rather than a high-end heist, which he almost certainly would have pulled off if not for one rogue cop named John mutha-fuckin’ McClane. It was a magnificent, complex plan in one of the greatest action movies of all time, and came within an inch of being successful. For that, it came within an inch of the #1 spot, held down by…

1. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000) 

There’s robberies, assaults, kidnappings, and old fashioned terrorism on Christmas (all of them, rotten acts), and then there’s a direct assault on the very institution itself. As our nine previous examples have demonstrated, the latter cases are indeed deplorable exercises in humanity’s ever-evolving capacity for cruelty, but to actually try and steal Christmas: that’s breaking all sorts of bad. In Ron Howard’s live-action version of Dr. Seuss’ classic How the Grinch Stole Christmas, The Grinch (Jim Carrey) lived atop Mt. Crumpit, and harbored a burning hatred for the nearby town of Whoville and its residents. Howard’s version gave a healthy dose of back-story to the Grinch that provided some context for his grudge against the townsfolk, but the end result was the same: the Grinch resolved to steal Christmas and all the joy that came with it.

The Grinch was successful in the first phase of his plan, at least as it concerned his perception of the material importance of the holiday. With the stealth of a seasoned cat burglar, The Grinch broke into every house in Whoville, and stole all the presents, along with most of the decorations associated with festivities. But when the sour old bastard realized that Christmas was about more than simple possessions and consumerism, that Whoville’s holiday spirit endured despite the Christmas Eve caper, The Grinch had a breakthrough. Redeemed, The Grinch returned his plunder and changed his ways, yet before doing so, one has to remember that The Grinch executed one of the most audacious, sweeping robbery-sprees in movie history. That, combined with the goodwill that still lingers from the original 1966 T.V. special, earned this one the #1 spot.

We’ve arrived at our fourth and final installment of our series dealing with the best and worst music and movie collaborations. We have already taken on Movies that Stole the Song, Songs that Overwhelmed the Movie, and the Worst Movies Named via Song Title. While all of these have been fun, this may prove the most meaningful. Let’s be clear about what kind of singalongs we’re looking for here. The idea is not to get the viewing audience to sing along with the actors. In fact, we want the opposite: a moment so captivating that we wouldn’t dare interrupt the experience of characters onscreen.

Our requirements are as follows: singalong scenes not from musicals, with at least three characters singing, that are relevant to the story, and feel very natural. This last point removes a lot of contrived, awful scenes designed to pander to simple-minded audience members while crushing all verisimilitude underfoot. One of the clearest examples of this is the inane “Say A Little Prayer” scene from My Best Friend’s Wedding. I won’t even link to it because I value your time and your ears and your integrity.

So, without further ado, let’s end this series on the highest of notes, whether our actors are able to hit them or not. Warning that many of these are at the end of the film and all could be considered spoilers.

Honorable Mention to the Michael Cera-led rendition of “These Eyes” in Superbad, various Gremlins caroling at old Mrs. Deagle’s house, and “The Cover of the Rolling Stone” celebration announcement from Almost Famous.

10. Full Metal Jacket – “Mickey Mouse March”

The past and present come full circle with this solemn ending. In basic training, the marines were broken down to their barest, combat-ready essentials. They were forced to sing juvenile lyrics in a serious manner at the behest of their drill sergeant. The same drill sergeant made it crystal clear he would not tolerate any “Mickey Mouse shit.” Graduating into the chaos of war has not made Joker’s battalion any more human. They are left to mix all they’ve experienced into their own, feasible format of Mickey Mouse. They remain in a world of shit, albeit in perfect military lock-step. Without this coda, we would feel like we have watched two disjointed movies. Instead we see that, aside from being alive, the unity of their troop is all the soldiers have left.

(Audio NSFW)

9. Dumb and Dumber – “Mockingbird”

For various reasons this one just barely qualifies, but stands out all the same. It is one of the most telling scenes about Harry and Lloyd’s relationship in this overtly ridiculous movie. After merrily generating “the most annoying sound in the world,” they find an even more severe way to torture their would-be assassin through song. Viewing their friendship from a high level, there is no clear reason that these two should even maintain contact as they cause each other so much damage. But their harmonious approach to all the strangers involved in this scene show why they are perfect for each other. Furthermore it saves their life. Carly Simon would probably prefer the offering from Vacation, but we’ll stick with this bilingual version.

8. It’s a Wonderful Life – “Hark the Herald Angels Sing and Auld Lange Syne”

Sure, the scene is as sappy as they come. But so is the movie itself. The community of Bedford Falls warbling together is really the rightful capper on this most Capraesque of holiday classics. Maybe there were never communities like these, and maybe this many people would never chime in together at Christmas in this way. But in the movie setting of Bedford Falls, there’s no better way to show the strength of unity the townspeople derive from being together. They don’t even know that they’ve saved a man’s life and gotten an angel his wings in the process. They’re simply grateful to be together.

7. Top Gun – “You’ve Lost that Love and Feeling”

In his portrayal of Maverick, Tom Cruise’s inability to carry a tune is what makes the scene work. We already knew he was a brash, overconfident ace, but the fact that he would look to amplify his off-key voice shows that he doesn’t worry about any personal limitations. Indeed he soon confesses that the only other time he has tried such a stunt, he “crashed and burned.” But the barful of flyboys first give him the needed support and then pick up the melody like the good soldiers they are. This allows him to get back on solid footing with a less musical chamuyo. It doesn’t faze him in the least that he must pursue Kelly McGillis into the ladies room to do so. That he says that the plan is “looking good so far” begs the question, just how badly did he sing the first time?

6. Who Framed Roger Rabbit? – “Smile Darn Ya Smile”

How else could this have ended? We’d already seen a little bit of everything during this cheekiest of Los Angeles noire mysteries. Belying the film’s overarching slaphappy tone, the demise of Judge Doom paints a gruesome scene. Something had to be done to move past the violent climax and remind us why we were watching in the first place. The only way to truly put things right was to leave it up to the toons of Toontown to provide the perfect finish.

5. Platoon – “The Tracks of my Tears”

Oliver Stone’s Oscar winning Vietnam picture gives us a series of glimpses to what life in a quagmire is like, largely seen through the eyes of the idealistic soldier Chris played by Charlie Sheen. At first drawn to the aggressive competence of Tom Berenger’s Sergeant Barnes, he soon realizes he fits better with the more progressive-minded crew led by Willem Dafoe. Amid the nightmare of war, their only escape is smoking pot and blasting tunes in an underground bunker. Their brotherhood is best on display during this Smokey Robinson classic. And of course it doesn’t hurt to have Living Colour’s Corey Glover singing lead.

4. Life of Brian – “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life”

Despite all Brian Cohen has been through, it seems he may finally get out of his harrowing situation. But in the end he is not spared crucifixion thanks to the buffoonery and chicanery of those around him. He never wanted to be the center of attention and certainly didn’t expect to wind up on a cross. Left for dead, even his mother and girlfriend tell him they’re moving on. Only a slow, painful demise awaits. So how can the Monty Python crew possibly finish up a silly, blasphemous comedy ending in pitiful tragedy? Enter Eric Idle, one cross over, who leads all the condemned in some Disney-inspired joviality. Initially this only seems to make Brian suffer all the more, but eventually even he gives into the undeniable catchiness of the tune.

3. Jaws – “Show Me the Way to Go Home”

After several days of macho posturing accompanied by many glowers, Quint, Brody, and Hooper are finally beginning to build some camaraderie in their pursuit of the great white shark that has been hunting and haunting Amity Island. Between the close quarters, alcohol, and the horrific story of the USS Indianapolis they have begun to bond. Forgetting their mission for a moment, they build to a raucous shout of the old English tune, banging on the table for percussion. It all seems like great fun until the shark chimes in with darker harmonies.

2. Casablanca – “Die Wacht am Rhein”, “La Marseillaise”

The movie could have been much so longer. With the Germans comfortably in charge, even Victor Lazlo could spend his time without worry as long as Rick’s American Café remained the center for all political movement. Nobody was really in a rush to rock the boat. Perhaps because of concern about Rick and Ilsa’s obvious connection or simply due to his passion for the resistance, Victor can’t stand idly while the German generals sing their war anthem. Their song, long related to battles with France, is clearly not acceptable to him. With Rick’s nod of approval, he demands that the band disrupts the scene, knowing that blowback will certainly come swiftly. This strike of musical rebellion sets the third act in motion and forces Rick and Isla to a quick decision. And it doesn’t hurt Victor’s cause that Ilsa is undeniably moved by his bold patriotism. No song in this list has more impact on the story than “La Marseillaise.”

1. Paths of Glory – “Der Treue Husar”

Number one is from yet another war movie, and the second entry by Stanley Kubrick. A German prisoner is forced to sing to entertain French soldiers. She chooses a German folksong about a young man off to war who leaves his love at home. Do the French soldiers understand the lyrics? Do they quickly realize that war is war and they’re all caught up in the same mess? Is her voice simply that enchanting? They immediately stop hooting and hollering to hum along with her tearful rendition. Then they cry along with it. Sensing that this wistful moment is one of the least bleak events of their wartime lives, Colonel Kirk Douglas allows them more time to commiserate. All know what is coming. Their song is soon drowned out by the military snare drum. Back to war again.

Like the ninja, wizard, or even big-rig truck driver, the stoner is often relegated to stock-character status when making an appearance in a film. Sure, wizards and ninjas sometimes get their own movies, and pick themselves up out of the generic mire, yet like the stoner, when used in small or middling doses, these characters often adhere to a very predictable archetype. Take, for example, the aforementioned stoner. The basic ingredients of that stereotype allow for a very specific set of gags and set-pieces, ones that usually rely on absent-mindedness, good-natured deviance, and a general aversion to confrontations. As a result, these characters aren’t often at the center of a narrative, for the classic protagonist is traditionally reliable, honest, and brave: traits not often shared with the classic movie stoner. Today’s list is a celebration of the films that got blazed, had their cake, and ate it too. Indeed, this ranking championed those films that gave audiences marijuana-smoking heroes the stoner community could rally behind and even look up to.

The release of American Ultra later this week promises another rare treat of this peculiar variety, for in that film, Jesse Eisenberg plays a C.I.A. asset scheduled for liquidation, yet is able to stay one step ahead of his would-be killers by relying on his wits and stoner instincts. The red-eyed deviants below were evaluated on their ability to navigate the choppy waters of their respective films, and gave extra points for those characters that not only survived, but prospered in spite of their munchies. After all, stoners are just as capable of heroic greatness as any sober goober out there, even if their preferred state puts them at a sometimes-fuzzy disadvantage. Today we celebrate every toker, smoker, and joker who ever had the mantle of responsibility thrust upon them in film, and rank them based on the success they experienced navigating their various situations. To be considered, the character in question had to have been a stoner first and foremost, not just some junky who happened to take a puff now and again (so nobody from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Trainspotting or Blow made it in, for example). No, we were after true-blue pot-head heroes for this list, and only the very best of that bunch would do. For that reason, close-call candidates such as those found in Friday, Our Idiot Brother, How High, Dead Man On Campus, and Dazed and Confused didn’t quite make it into the conversation. Feel free to gripe about these tragedies of omission in the comment section below. Until then, however, let’s kick things off with…

10. Ricky from Trailer Park Boys: The Big Dirty (2006)

As fans of the wildly successful Canadian television show can attest, Ricky (Robb Wells) from The Trailer Park Boys isn’t an ordinary stoner. Intellectually stunted from an early age as a result of lax supervision and aggressive pre-pubescent substance abuse, Ricky grew up to become a simple man. In possession of a 10^th grade education, and little more, Ricky never had the best grammar, or math skills, or even common sense, yet he did manage to do a few things very well. Well, just two things, really: lying to cops, and growing weed. These two skills were mutually beneficial, and served the man well through most of a semi-charmed life consisting primarily of small-scale crime and marijuana cultivation. This tradition continued in The Trailer Park Boys movie, The Big Dirty, where Ricky put his law enforcement scamming talents to work so that he and his cohorts could pull off a caper that would help them pocket a pretty penny, as well as win back Ricky’s girl.

As with every other moment in his adolescent and adult life, Ricky was stoned throughout the course of the movie, and made sure that the business at hand never encroached upon his self-medication. In the process of navigating the treacherous tightrope that included ex-girlfriends, strip-club managers, trailer park supervisors, and the police, Ricky managed to stay one step ahead of everyone. This was no small feat, for despite being savagely baked throughout the course of the film, Ricky also had to contend with the scheming of the aforementioned trailer park supervisor, Jim Lahey (John Dunsworth), who was on an everlasting quest to bust Ricky. Although Ricky leaned heavily on his best friend and crime companion, Julian (John Paul Tremblay), he and his crew managed to pull off their small-scale robbery, as well as trick the police into arresting their strip club nemesis. Hell, they even get Lahey in trouble with their judge during their arraignment. Now, if Ricky hadn’t gotten himself sent back to jail at the end of the film (albeit for a good cause), and hadn’t been so shockingly stupid, he might have beat out…

9. Grady Tripp from Wonder Boys (2000)

This one slid in at #9 because the main character of Wonder Boys, Grady Tripp (Michael Douglas), seemed to succeed in spite of his marijuana habit, and not necessarily because of it. It’s a small distinction to make, yet an important one considering the company Grady kept on today’s list. In the film Grady was a celebrated novelist who started the movie in something of a creative rut. His previous book was a runaway success, something that put a lot of pressure on him to follow up with yet another groundbreaking piece of literature. Mired in this personal and professional limbo, and without any real inspiration, Grady developed a fairly serious weed smoking habit, one he was entirely comfortable indulging while he hammered away at his 2000+ page follow-up novel. An unexpected pregnancy, as well as an eccentric student, James (Tobey Maguire), forced him out of his rut, however. Indeed, right around the time that Grady found out that his girlfriend, his boss’ wife, was pregnant, James went ahead and shot that same boss’ dog. Oh yeah…James also stole a valuable piece of Marilyn Monroe memorabilia from that boss.

Served up a giant, steaming shit sandwich overflowing from pretty much every end, Grady had to tip-toe his way through the mess whilst trying to keep everyone’s asses out of a sling. This was no small feat, for Grady’s editor was also in town to pester his client about the long-delayed follow-up book, which was all on top of some crazy asshole following Grady around, demanding that he be given his car back (a demand that made little sense to Grady). In the end, Grady realized that he had to grow up a little, confront his responsibilities, and stop chasing after the ghost of the man who’d written the celebrated novel that had come to define him. It also led to Grady (seemingly, anyway) giving up his smoking endeavors, and moving on from the complacency that the weed smoking had encouraged within him. Much like this next character, Grady did this as a way to mature and move on, both for himself, and to gain the respect of the woman he loved. Was this justified? Maybe. Were stoners everywhere disappointed in the turn of events? Definitely.

8. Thurgood Jenkins from Half Baked (1998)

In Half Baked, Thurgood Jenkins (Dave Chappelle) had to work with his fellow stoner friends to come up with the bail money needed to free their buddy, Kenny (Harland Williams), from prison. Kenny was a kindly kindergarten teacher that had accidentally killed a cop (well, police horse to be more accurate), and wasn’t faring too well on the inside. Good friend that he was, Thurgood took it upon himself to come up with a scheme to get Kenny out of the shit-house, which led to him stealing marijuana from the lab where he worked, and selling it to New York City’s hungry citizens. Okay…so far, so good. After all, the fact that Thurgood, as a low-income janitor, orchestrated a scheme to come up with thousands of dollars in a short period of time spoke to his drive, determination, and loyalty. Unfortunately, Thurgood was also a stoner, and fell victim to a number of entirely avoidable mistakes on his heroic journey.

For starters, Thurgood and his buddies just up and printed business cards advertising their drug dealing enterprise, stapled them to bags of weed, and handed them out to complete strangers. Shockingly, this didn’t get them arrested within a matter of hours, but it did get the attention of a rival drug lord, one who quickly moved to eliminate his competition. This led to a full-scale robbery of Thurgood’s lab, which got the man and his two remaining friends pinched by the cops. Thurgood wasn’t a quitter, however, and negotiated a sweet deal with the Fuzz to get his crew off in exchange for their willingness to wear a wire, and snag the aforementioned drug lord. At the end of the day, everything (miraculously) worked out, and Thurgood, Kenny, and the rest of the crew walked away without any serious jail time. Sure, they were idiots, yet somehow Thurgood’s stoner sensibilities saw them through it all, and for that he got the nod at #8.

7. Doc Sportello from Inherent Vice (2014)

A twisted, sprawling rat’s nest of a story with enough characters and double-crosses to fill a warehouse, Inherent Vice muddied its own waters further by putting a burned out, stoned protagonist front and center. In the film, private investigator “Doc” Sportello (Joaquin Phoenix) ran down the leads from three different cases he was pursuing while dodging all manner of bullshit from scary gangs, shady ex-cons, manipulative ex-girlfriends, and weird-as-fuck cops. Doc navigated this tangled web of fraud, deceit, and murder while maintaining a very aggressive marijuana regimen, one he adhered to rain or shine. This component of his personality was a key element of the plot, for the various intersecting lines of his three different investigations kept crossing and knotting up, which would have been tough enough for a sane, sober individual, let alone one who was choking down an endless series of Sativa and Indica strains.

True to his stoner hero status, Doc never let himself get too discouraged, and always fought through the hazy fog of his blazing to get at the truth. The guy got knocked out a few times, kidnapped, arrested, and hassled endlessly, yet he never lost sight of his goal, and kept on after his leads like any good P.I. At the end of the day, Doc sorted through the various convoluted lines of his three investigations, and even facilitated a couple happy endings (well, sorta). In any event, the man’s diligence paid off, and he even “got the girl” at the end (again…sorta). Unlike this next character, Doc didn’t change a whole lot, or foster long-lasting change in his small corner of the universe. Sure, he solved a few mysteries, and untangled a few loose threads, yet when it comes to valiant stoner warriors fighting the good fight, he had nothing on…

6.) Lester Burnham from American Beauty (1999)

Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey) is the undisputed champion of middle-aged mediocrity, for his journey in American Beauty gave hope to countless millions that things can get better: that there’s a reason to hope for a better day. Lester was a middle management cubicle jockey going through the motions of a zombie existence in suburbia U.S.A. when the film caught up with him. The man’s teenage daughter despised him, which was a milder offshoot of the total disconnection and emotional abandonment that defined his relationship with Carolyn (Annette Bening), his wife. After he developed a crush on his daughter’s high school friend (gross), Lester got himself a new lease on life, and decided to start living in the moment. This involved quitting his stuffy 9-5 office gig so he could flip burgers, smoke dope, and pump iron in his garage. All of this was meant to culminate in the glorious consummation of the forbidden union between Lester and his teenaged crush, a goal that seemed entirely in sight as Lester continued his lifestyle purge.

And while the impetus of this mid-life 180 was Lester’s crush, the fuel for that journey was high-grade, government grown marijuana. Lester’s pot smoking seemed to connect him to an earlier time in his life when the worries of the grown-up world didn’t penetrate his serene, worry-free existence. Lester clocked-in at his meaningless, low-stress fast food job, worked out, smoked dope, and generally just lived his life the way he wanted to. It was a far cry from the stress he experienced when working a job he hated for a company he didn’t respect, and acting as the whipped yes-man for a wife that didn’t give a damn about his feelings, dreams, or desires. It was a radical transformation, to be sure, and one that met with positive results right up to the moment when Lester’s bat-shit crazy neighbor got involved in matters. Still, Lester’s liberal use of marijuana during the most pivotal and meaningful period of his adult life goes to show that stoners can be heroes as well, albeit on the small, suburban stage.

5. Kumar from Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle (2004)

Kumar (Kal Penn) was a goddamned champion of heavy-duty weed smoking from the instant this franchise opened, and never took his foot off the gas. Sure, Harold (John Cho) did his fair share of smoking, yet it was his roommate Kumar that always pushed the issue, and made sure that the guys were blazed pretty much 24/7. It was this commitment to smoking that torpedoed Kumar’s interview in the opening minutes of Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, and drove the events of that film forward (they got stoned that night and resolved to go to White Castle). During every step of their adventure during that film, Kumar kept a level head despite the fact (or possibly because of it) that he was constantly piping marijuana smoke into it. Hell, in the sequel, the fact that he was on a transcontinental flight didn’t even stop the guy from sparking up, an act that actually got him and Harold sent to Guantanamo Bay.

Still, as with most stoner heroes, Kumar’s THC-induced foibles led not to disaster, but to triumph. After all, the guys did eventually get their White Castle burgers, Harold snagged the delicious Maria (Paula Garces), and the pair even made a friend in former President George W. Bush. This was all aside from the majestic, mind-blowing, life-altering partying they did with Neil Patrick Harris, which would have not been possible if Kumar hadn’t smoked so much weed, and insisted on seeing their adventures through to the all-in conclusions the three installments drove towards. Sure, the boys suffered a few setbacks along the way (the fact that the guys kept getting arrested is what pushed him back to our #5 slot), yet Kumar was nothing if not brave, and this mixed with his perpetual red eyed nature seemed to be enough to see him though to victory each time out. Still, as much as Kumar smoked, he had nothing on our #4 character, who had nearly twice as much experience with the chosen lifestyle…

4. Jeff Lebowski from The Big Lebowski (1998)

A Coen Brothers classic that has steamrolled into something of a cultural phenomenon, The Big Lebowski is many things: but to stoners, it is something close to scripture. Jeff “The Dude” Lebowski (Jeff Bridges) wasn’t looking for trouble when he came home from the store one night, yet trouble is what found him. A case of mistaken identity snagged The Dude in a tangled web whose strands included embezzlement, deception, pornography, aggravated assault, and nihilism. Never in possession of the complete picture, and pushed around Los Angeles like the unwitting pawn that he was, The Dude struggled to keep his head above water despite it all. The Dude survived by adhering to the classic stoner strategy of passive compliance mixed with wild improvisation: a tactic that worked out relatively well for the guy. Sure, he lost his rug (as well as the replacement), yet he wasn’t killed, incarcerated (well, except briefly by the Malibu P.D.), or separated from his “Johnson.”

No, in all, considering the fact that The Dude got caught up in an extortion scheme and was set upon by violent, stupid criminals from several different directions, the guy made out alright. Of course, this came at the expense of his beloved automobile, as well as his buddy Donnie (Steve Buscemi) who fell in what could quite accurately be termed collateral damage. Yet through it all, The Dude persevered. Some might even argue that a more level-headed, aggressive, non-stoned individual would have made a mess out of things where The Dude miraculously coasted through the chaos. Granted, this particular author isn’t saying that, but some might. And while The Big Lebowski was an infinitely better movie than this next film, and represented a far more interesting character than both of these next gentlemen combined, the fact is, all The Dude did was survive his mess (and abide). These next boys actually triumphed…

3. Tie: Jay and Silent Bob from Clerks (1994), Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001), et al

While one gets the sense that Jay (Jason Mewes) and Silent Bob (Kevin Smith) probably dabbled in other substances, the pair that formed the basis for the fictional “Bluntman” and “Chronic” comic book heroes were undeniably stoners at their core. The duo made their first appearance in Clerks, where they established themselves as the premier marijuana hookup for Red Bank, N.J. Chasing Amy established that they were the inspiration behind the popular Bluntman & Chronic comic line, which only further solidified them as notable stoners who’d made good on their habit. Future installments continued to toy with this particular smoking habit, including the Scooby-Doo scene in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back when the film’s heroes busted out a fat sack and hot-boxed a van. In short, Jay and Silent Bob smoked pot…like, a lot, and they weren’t just a couple of shiftless losers with nothing to show for their habit: no.

No, these boys got shit done. Whether it was living comfortably off of their comic book royalties, guiding an angel and descendent of Christ to God Herself, or breaking into an animal laboratory on their way to busting into a major movie studio lot: these guys took care of business. Sure, Jay wasn’t the smartest guy in the world, but what he lacked in intelligence he more than made up for with crude humor, aggressive posturing, smoking tough, and a clever hetero-life-mate. And as for Silent Bob, the man was a rock, and the hands-down brains of an operation that relied upon him for pretty much everything related to their continued survival. If these guys had held down actual jobs, or done something as meaningful as taking down a major crime syndicate, they might have edged out…

2. Dale Denton from Pineapple Express (2008) 

A dark horse contender, to be sure, yet Dale Denton (Seth Rogen) from Pineapple Express was as true a champion of the stoner genre as anyone listed today. This guy was just trudging along, working as a process server (albeit illegally…you can’t costume-up to serve papers), when he got tangled up in a scary gangster’s murder drama. True to genre form, Dale was smoking a joint outside said gangster’s house when he witnessed the cold blooded murder, and his state of mind played a big role in his decision-making process from there on out. Indeed, being a stoner hero, what got Dale into trouble also helped him survive, for he teamed up with his pot dealer, Saul (James Franco), and their zany weed-fueled antics kept them one step ahead of the bad guys. Weed intuition also played a big role in their survival, for despite being baked pretty much every minute of this picture, Dale still managed to sniff out a double-cross when it presented itself.

This astute judgment may have saved Dale and Saul’s lives, as the former stoner realized that their weed source, Red (Danny McBride), was lying to them and setting them up for a fall. Dale proved that he wasn’t just a thinker, but a fighter as well, and went after Red like a coked up Sasquatch with two broken hands. He also came within an inch of actually convincing a cop to let him go after he’d been caught selling drugs to kids: which was no small feat! Finally, in the end, he managed to pull Saul out of the flaming wreckage of a collapsed drug facility, an act that saved his friend’s life. Now that’s one hell of a hero, people, and a fine example of what marijuana-fueled gallantry can accomplish. Still, Dale had just one movie to prove his worth as a marijuana-fueled agent of righteous justice, a hurdle this next duo scrambled over and then some…

1. Tie: Cheech and Chong from Up In Smoke (1978), et al. 

Was there ever any doubt? The absolute gold-standard for stoner heroes in much the same way that Charlie Chaplin is the model for comedic excellence in film: there was no one before Cheech and Chong, and all those to follow in their footsteps owe the pair everything. Indeed, weed-centered humor had never sustained a film as successfully as Cheech and Chong’s Up In Smoke, which found a way to laugh at the burned-out apathy and failure of 60s pop culture. The film accomplished this buy turning the optimistic drug culture narrative from ten years before on its head by lampooning two eager participants of the turn on, tune in, drop out revolution. These guys appeared to have jumped on the 60s hippie bandwagon with no small amount of gusto, yet had little to show for their generation’s revolution a decade later. Both Pedro (Cheech Marin) and Anthony (Tommy Chong) didn’t have a lot going for them when Up In Smoke started, and as a result they resorted to smuggling drugs across the Mexican border just to make ends meet. And while they weren’t bad guys by any stretch of the imagination, they simply had poor prospects and next to nothing to offer society.

This was a far cry from the optimistic groundswell that crested at Woodstock and rolled back at Altamont. In many ways, Cheech and Chong represented the ethos of a stumbling generation that had failed to change the world, yet remained determined to retain its identity. Sure, they didn’t initiate transformative and lasting political and social changes, yet they seemed to be having a lot more fun than their parents, and were working maybe half as hard. Cheech and Chong’s adventures and triumphs were evidence that good-natured stoner hijinks could sustain a couple of heroes if they remained focused, kept toking up, and relied on their stoner instincts. Everything seemed to work out for these guys as a result, whether it was winning the battle of the bands contest, tramping around L.A. with a duffel bag full of country weed, or doing space-coke: these guys always came through, and effected positive stoner-based change. This was usually because of their pot smoking rather than in spite of it, something that set a movie standard the Coens, Apatows, and Smiths of the world have benefitted from ever since.

The world is having a fun time rebooting the 1990s by all accounts, for there’s a Clinton and a Bush running for President, a Jurassic Park movie is #1 at the box office, and now we’ve got a sequel to Terminator 2:Judgment Day. For those of us who lived through the early 90s, this seems like a strange case of déjà vu, yet (amazingly) it is all entirely real. Indeed, we have indeed lived through all this before, and as a result, we are able to predict with some degree of certainty what will happen in many of these re-imagined scenarios. Indeed, a Clinton always beats a Bush, dinosaur amusement parks invariably lead to death and destruction, and when doing business with a Terminator… well, there are a few hard-and-fast givens.

Today’s list is an exploration of all the known truths of the Terminator universe, for while the quality of each installment has varied over the years, certain commonalities have not. Only time will tell if this week’s franchise reboot adheres to the familiar points listed below, yet if the last two woeful installments didn’t totally ruin the formula, it’s hard to imagine how Terminator: Genisys could. One quick point of clarification before we kick things off: today’s list limited its consideration of the facts at hand to the four official Terminator motion pictures released up to this point, and did not consider evidence from the television series (The Sarah Connor Chronicles). Today’s list is a movie-themed one, and although the Terminator TV show did conform to many of the life lessons listed below, notably our first point listed at #10, we had to keep it cinema-based so as not to confuse the readers who didn’t watch the show in its entirety (and by the ratings and show cancellation, that would be the majority of you)…

10. It Sucks to Be a Connor: In Any Time, Place, or Universe 

In a future where there’s a war between humanity and deadly, sentient A.I. enemies, having the last name “Connor” is one hell of a liability. This was made abundantly clear in Terminator: Salvation, where it was revealed that Skynet hatched a complex plan to lure John Connor into a trap via Marcus (Sam Worthington), who represented the evil machines’ fourth attempt to kill mankind’s savior. Terminator 3 was nothing more than another attempt to go back in time using an even more advanced model of killer to assassinate J-Con (Nick Stahl) years after his mother had died, so again, the notion that being a Connor blows holds. The fact that the third installment came after the passing of momma bear was important, for Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton) was a battle-tested, no-bullshit warrior who was a match for the very best that the future could send at her.

This was proven fairly definitively in Terminator 2, when John (Edward Furlong) insisted that his mother be sprung from the looney-bin so as to help out on the mission. For a pre-teen punk with little more than a dirt bike and a barrel full of attitude, the kid at least had sense enough to realize that having another Connor on Team Humanity was a wise thing, yet demonstrated that there’s no rest for a Connor in the world. Whether it is in the looney bin, working as a waitress, robbing ATM’s while bouncing between foster homes, leading the human resistance in the future, or living off the grid and on the good graces of veterinary clinics: the family name catches up to these people. That might not seem fair, and that’s because it simply isn’t. But hey, despite what Sarah Connor says, this next life lesson more or less illustrates the family motto of the Connor Clan…

9. The Future Is Totally Written  

Judgment Day is coming, bitches: just accept it. Terminator: Salvation more or less gave up on that point, and set itself in the fucked up future where Skynet had already become self-aware, and launched its assault on humanity; yet the first three movies toyed around with the idea that the apocalypse might be avoided. Indeed, in the first installment, there was some hope, fleeting perhaps, that the events of the film might have been enough to provide Sarah Connor with enough knowledge to prevent Judgment Day.

In Terminator 2, it was revealed that Sarah had been locked up for her efforts to do just that, and artifacts from her first encounter with the T-800 (Arnold Schwarzenegger) had actually (somewhat tragically) jump-started the whole end-of-the-world thing. Some damn fine work that included fending off a mad-deadly Terminator upgrade, the T-1000 (Robert Patrick), not to mention taking on an army of cops, delayed the war, yet as Terminator 3 explained, did not prevent it. One way or the other, Skynet was going to come online, and when that happened, humanity set a new standard for our species shitting the bed. Now, some people might call this fatalist line of thinking pessimistic, or even crazy, but remember…

8. You’re Not Crazy: THEY’RE Crazy

This is a running joke within the series, and one that gets a lot of well-deserved mileage. Indeed, if someone showed up on the scene and claimed that they were from the future, or otherwise informed from such a person about the coming war between mankind and a militarized internet, they would likely get themselves a one-way ticket to a padded room. This is pretty much what happened to Kyle Reese (Michael Biehn) in the original Terminator, for after he was taken in by the cops, he was about one interrogation away from the psych ward when Arnie busted in and interrupted his travel plans.

As mentioned earlier, Sarah Connor was in a mental facility when audiences caught up with her in Terminator 2, and she did little to dissuade people of the pants-crapping-insane diagnosis her doctors had saddled her with. Terminator 3 dabbled in this territory as well, for Dr. Silberman (Earl Boen) made another appearance in that installment, and again reinforced the notion that regular, non-Connor folk just don’t have the stomach or psychological wherewithal to handle the Judgment Day truth. Terminator: Salvation also touched on the notion that John Connor wasn’t considered 100% mentally trustworthy amongst his peers, despite the fact that he was a second generation Terminator warrior, yet the best of this trope came in the previous installments, where this next franchise generality was proven beyond a reasonable doubt…

7. Arnold Makes Everything Better

This one seems so obvious that it almost feels ridiculous writing it out, yet it’s true: Arnold Schwarzenegger makes everything better, Terminator films included. Ever since this magnificent son of a bitch broke onto the scene about 40 years ago, movies and the strong-man hero archetype have never been the same. Sure, there were yoked movie stars before Arnold (Steve Reeves, Johnny Weissmulleur, etc.), and many to follow, yet the Austrian Oak set an all new standard for movie bad-assery. Despite the fact that he was the bad guy, Arnold was the most interesting thing about the first Terminator film, and absolutely ran away with the second picture, which came out during the peak of his popularity.

The third film suffered from a number of unfortunate developments, not the least of which was a failure to keep Arnold front and center for a majority of the flick. To be fair, the guy is getting older, and as time goes on, it’s getting harder and harder to explain why a cyborg from the future, part of a specific series of machines cobbled together from scratch, keep aging, yet the fact remains: Arnold makes everything better. Indeed, to leave the man out of a Terminator flick is like going to the carnival with dirty underwear: you can do it, but it won’t be pleasant. For more evidence, see Terminator: Salvation (or, don’t…you won’t be missing much). Still, seeing is believing; say, speaking of which…

6. Never Trust in Just a Voice

Oh man…this one comes up quite a bit in the Terminator universe. Arnold pulled the trick off in the first Terminator, when talking to Sarah Connor as Sarah’s mother over the phone (a classic rookie mistake). Sarah would later learn that things aren’t always as they seem when talking over the phone, a lesson she obviously didn’t share with her son, who nearly fell into the same trap in Terminator 2, when he spoke to his foster parents from a payphone. Luckily for him, Arnold was there to take on John’s voice and trick the trickster, a slick move that threw the T-1000 off their trial for a short while.

Perhaps because it is something of a tradition for the franchise now (or because it is a cheap effect to pull off with a little clever dubbing), but this voice-copy move has become a staple of the franchise, and is a frequent tool in every Terminator’s (regardless of model) bag of tricks. They’re sneaky bastards, Terminators, and pushy to boot. Which brings us to another hard and fast rule as it concerns dealing with the deadly cunts…

5. If a Cyborg From the Future Asks You to do Something, Do It

This might seem obvious, and if people knew exactly who/what they were dealing with when running into a Terminator, they might well comply; yet too often, it’s not clear who/what these people are, and mayhem often follows. Young Bill Paxton learned this lesson the hard way in the original Terminator, when Arnie rolled up on Paxton’s gang of punks and demanded to have their ringleader’s clothes. Paxton didn’t fare well in this encounter, just as the biker in #2 didn’t when “good-guy” T-800 rolled into his dive bar and demanded his rig and motorcycle. This led to a nasty tussle where the poor biker dude ended up going for a ride from the pool hall into the kitchen, right onto a hot grill, which was actually a decent outcome when considering some of the other instances where people ran afoul of a Terminator looking for a favor.

Consider the helicopter pilot that ran into the T-1000 in Terminator 2, who wisely complied when told to “get out,” despite the fact that it meant a leap from a flying helicopter at least 100 feet off the ground. The list goes on and on (remember the big rig driver from #1?), but it should suffice to mention that when put in a spot where a Terminator asks you to do something, one should consider themselves lucky that they were asked at all, and just comply as quickly as possible. Still, if one MUST go up against a Terminator, if one is forced to defy them, it is crucial to remember that…

4. Kill The Fuck Out of Cyborgs, Or They WILL Come Back

This one seems pretty obvious, for we’re dealing with sophisticated killing machines from the future, here, yet folks consistently turned their backs on Terminators in the franchise before establishing that they were indeed 100% dead. Nothing that has survived an inter-dimensional time jump should be easy to kill, and true to form, Terminators never are. Arnold was in a truck that exploded in the first Terminator, yet this only served to slow the prick down, not kill him (what’s a little skin, anyway?). It took an industrial metal press to put the thing out of commission in #1, and even more muscle to pull off the same trick in #2, where a savage beating at the hands of the T-1000 didn’t do the job, despite what Arnie’s foe thought (again: rookie mistake).

And speaking of the T-1000, killing that prick was also one hell of a chore. The bastard’s liquid-metal composition made him more or less indestructible, for a freezing and blasting didn’t put the guy down for any real length of time, and necessitated stronger measures in the form of molten liquid metal. That icy, hand-cannon wielding bitch from #3 was no less trouble, and again proved the point that a Terminator cannot be killed by conventional means, and generally requires at least two or three tries to get the job done properly. Hell, even that chick made the tragic mistake of leaving “good” guy T-800 alive after a virus, which, again, only did about half the job. So, if REALLY serious about taking one of these bastards down, one ought to remember that…

3. Victory Is All About Establishing a Firepower Advantage

In the original Terminator, pretty much the first thing the T-800 did after scoring clothes was to roll a gun shop owner after getting its hands on every slick, big-shit blaster in the house. Near the end of the film, Reese countered with a devastating I.E.D. response, which damn-near did the trick. In #2, Sarah Connor and “good” T-800 were always on the lookout for bigger and better ordinance: a search that culminated in the unearthing of the desert stash. Even the T-800 couldn’t help but to express its entire satisfaction with the find when inspecting this gear, which included a mini-gun and a grenade launcher (amongst many other nasty items).

In #3, the film established that Sarah Connor had a coffin filled not with her remains, but rather a motley assortment of high-end, heavy-duty weapons. These were buried instead of her bones, for the woman (correctly) supposed that a gnarly weapons stash in a convenient location was far more useful to her son than a physical reminder of her existence. Hell, even in the woeful fourth installment, Terminator: Salvation, the resistance’s headquarters were on a fucking nuclear submarine. It doesn’t get much burlier than that. Still, if the Terminator movies have taught us anything, it’s that firepower is only half the battle; invariably, when a person realizes they can’t brush a Terminator off, they run, and when it comes to running away…

2. Having a Good Wheelman Is Crucial

It’s obvious that a salty adulthood dodging and fighting Terminators and Skynet formed the basis for the magnificent wheelman that was Kyle Reese, who went toe-to-toe with Arnie’s T-800 on the road on several occasions in #1. These were good showings on Reese’s behalf, for he out-drove or otherwise frustrated his cyborg foe on both occasions, which subsequent Terminator installments demonstrated was no small feat. In #2, “good” T-800 proved himself a dynamite wheelman during the psych-ward escape, and later, during the run from Cyberdyne Systems and the T-1000. A fierce chase ensued when John Connor and Kate Brewster (Claire Danes) made a dash to freedom in #3, and Terminator: Salvation felt like one long series of chases (let’s just be honest).

In all instances, the fact that a dynamite driver was behind the wheel proved critical, and kept the heroes alive just long enough to get away and fight another day. Hell even young John Connor from #2 was a savage operator on his little dirt bike, and might have perished were he a lesser young man and future hero. Sure, the kid’s mom was a warrior, and he had all kinds of help from the future in the form of Terminator helpers, yet the world was after his ass from day one of his conception, and just kept coming back for more time and again. As far as traditional assistance, one thing was for sure: the Connors weren’t getting any help from the Fuzz…

1. The Police Are Useless

Let’s just be honest, here: the cops don’t have the best track record in the Terminator universe. Arnie’s T-800 tore through a whole fucking police station in #1, and didn’t seem all that scratched up for the trouble. In #2, “good” T-800 took on the full force of a multi-district response, including multiple S.W.A.T. teams, hundreds of uniformed officers, and a chopper. In this instance, yes, Arnie got a little roughed up, yet still, the machine took everything the L.A.P.D. could throw at it, grinned, and more or less asked for seconds. The cops in Terminator 3 didn’t fare much better, yet didn’t get the same kind of collective ass-whooping that they absorbed in the first two installments.

Naturally, in Terminator: Salvation, there weren’t really any cops to speak of, which is saying something all by itself in a subtle sort of way: like, these clowns never could protect us, so look at what happened. Is this a fair assessment? No, probably not. Yet again, if the Terminator movies have taught us nothing else, it’s that it takes more than a cop to stop a killer from the future. Indeed, it usually takes another killer…who’s a good wheelman, and also appreciates the importance of a good weapons stash, and understands how touchy, hard to kill, and tricky Terminators can be.